shinjiru! :)

yey, new hope.

nalaman kong kelangan kong maging 17 next year para makuha ang isang scholarship grant na nahanap ko sa ilang oras ng pagreresearch. nung unang beses kong nabasa yun, nadepress ako. sobra. tapos sinabi ko yun kay twin. sabi nya, sabi ng mom nya, ganun talaga sa japan. then i felt happy. ewan kung bakit. yey, di ako makakapag-apply this year. next year na lang, have to wait til im 17. grabe.

di ko gets kung bakit ako natuwa. siguro dahil nalaman kong pati mom ni twin naghintay muna na maging 17 sya para mag-aral sa japan. :) isang year of college muna sa pinas *cross fingers, UP!* then off to the land of sakura! yey. *cross arms, kyushu!* isa pa sigurong rason kung bakit ako natuwa ay dahil sa nabawasan ang utak ko ng isang major na bagay para isipin. di ko pa rin talaga alam kung bakit ba ako super interesado dito. pero ganun eh. so lagi kong iniisip lately, tipong kagigising ko pa lang, nasa isip ko na. sigh. labo talaga. pero next year na lang. yeah, next year. :)

i just feel so relaxed. ewan ko ba.

ngayon, may isa pa akong taon para isipin kung gusto ko ba talaga sa japan mag-aral. weird naman kasi, para akong tinamaan ng asteroid of thought na dun mag-aral. lupit na kalabuan, pero ganun talaga. wala pa akong makuhang reasonable reason *muhaha* kung bakit ako may interes dun. ohwell. one year to think and prepare, it feels much better. :)

sa mga nag-encourage sa kin, pati sa mga *unexpectedly, or di lang talaga nila namalayan..* nagdiscourage sa kin, salamat. :)

ang labo ko talaga. yey! shinjiru! *BELIEVE.*

-krishna.31mar06.

ha?

nalungkot ako bigla.

kaya ko ba talagang mag-aral sa Japan? di ko gets ngayon kung bakit ko ba to naisip in the first place. pero alam kong gusto ko. Tokyo or Kyoto University. well, sana. first I have to learn Jap all over again this summer. sana matuloy. kaya to. :)

kung di naman maabot ang japan, gusto ko pa rin sa UP. :) go uP! muhehe. :)

kaya to. hold on.

yahti

you have been blinded by what you thought is right. but not all that you think is right truly is. i bet you dont see the underlying force that they try to excert. you're too blind. and i hate you for that.

di mo kasi alam ang pinagdadaanan namin. di mo alam kung anong mga ginagawa namin. di mo siguro gets kung anong ibig sabihin ng passion. at ng sitwasyon na minsan may gusto ka, pero di ka lang talaga magaling, so sinusubukan mo pa rin kahit sobrang bagal ng improvement. wala naman yun sa bilis ng pag-improve. nasa determination yun. tanga ka lang. oo, tanga ka. galit ako sa yo. hindi mo alam kung anong pakiramdam ng iniinsulto ng ganyan.

pag nagkaroon ng evil effect ang sinabi mo sa kapatid ko, ikaw lang ang sisisihin ko.

you have been blinded, and i am so damn angry at you for that. do not allow this to go on.

i hate you.

i confess.

ang galing talaga ng v for vendetta. may special thing sa letter ni valerie (tama ba?) para sa kin. wala lang.

narealize ko, at ready na akong aminin sa sarili, ang problema ko. na hindi ko naman sinasabi kahit kanino, kasi ang alam ko, wala namang makakintindi, wala namang makakatulong sa pag-ayos nito.

tulad ng nasa results ng colorquiz.com (its not that naka-base ang lahat ng to sa results ng test na yun, nagkataon lang na magkatugma sila ng realizations ko.) una, nagsisink in sa akin unti-unti ang failures na naexperience ko dulot ng kapabayaan. ngayon ko to tinatanggap, kung kelan may naisip na ako sa gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. dati kasi, wala lang akong paki kung pumangit ang records ng acads ko, ngayon, iba. dati, hinayaan ko lang na tumigil ako sa pagtugtog ng gitara at sa pag-aaral ng bagong mga kanta o kung ano pa man, ngayon nalulungkot ako na halos walang pinagbago sa kung anong kaya ko noong unang panahon pa. ngayon ko naiisip na dapat hindi ako tumigil sa ballet. na dapat hindi ko pinigilan ang mga kamay ko na magsulat at magdrowing. na dapat hindi ko inisip na malaking gambala sa pag-aaral ang passion for arts ko, kahit na ba pinabayaan ko lang din ang pag-aaral ko. mashado nang malaki ang nawala. mashado na akong maraming napalampas. pero ayos lang, kung gugustuhin ko, kaya ko. it's all a test of faith, and real strength. kaya kong bumawi, at gagawin ko yun.

pangalawang problema. amin na. im missing someone im not suppsed to miss this way. im longing for somebody im not supposed to long for. i have turned my back on this before, and im not supposed to turn around again. dito ako nahihirapan. ayoko na talaga. bakit ganito? may iba na sa picture, at mali pa to. bakit ngayon pa? bakit bumabalik? nakakainis. maybe i have been watching too much tv. the media shows too much of how much people need to be loved, too much of how happy people are when somebody they love love them back, of how joyful it is to the soul to have someone love you and you alone. I already have God, loving me just soo much, the way He loves everybody else. THAT should be too much for me, and it is. God's love is so much more than anything else that i could ever wish for. but why this feeling? why feel like asking for something not worth anything but bliss, short-lived happiness? why? WHY? help me, God. i wish not to feel this way any longer. i wish not to long for her this way. make me clean.

nothing is coincidence, so what's up with this hassle?

.krishna.23mar06.

pero ayos lang.

kinuha ko rin yung test sa colorquiz.com, accurate nga. wala lang.
eto yung results nung isang gabi:

Your Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources
Suppresses her innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that she might be carried away by it only to find herself pursuing some will-o'-the-wisp. Feels she has been misled and abused and has withdrawn to hold herself cautiously aloof from others. Keeps a careful and critical watch to see whether motives towards her are sincere--a watchfulness which easily develops into suspicion and distrust.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.

eto naman yung kanina..

krishna's Existing Situation
Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

krishna's Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

krishna's Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.

krishna's Desired Objective
Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. Her own need for approval makes her ready to be of help to others and in exchange she wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which she hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.

krishna's Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

yun. natatakot ako. nalulungkot ako. parang may kulang. (hindi to regarding the results.)

-+krishna.23mar06.

stay

tabulas is down. yey.

today, andaming na-miss ng camera. happy moments na dumaan lang. pero, i realized that it was also good not to capture everything and put them into photographs. memories are much much sweeter simply being thought of. ang saya kanina. :) yung team talaga ay ang isa sa pinakamabibigat na rason kung bakit mahal na mahal ko ang pisay. :) gusto kong sa pisay gumraduate.

be with me, Lord. :)
krishna.x