rant text

I can't express myself enough to let go of all the hatred inside.
I guess I'm back to where I started.
Back to nothing. Back to feeling all the sadness and angst.
You thought I was ok. I thought I was doing well.
Well, I guess we all thought wrong.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite.
Maybe I'm living in lies.
Maybe I'm not doing any better than ever.
I drown in sadness. I have submerged myself in[to] a fake reality of illusions.
I guess I tricked myself well.
I am back to my old self. [That is,] if I ever had one.

I'm suicidal.
Congratulations.

My brain is deteriorating.
I live in panic and fear.
I live in illusions and impossible dreams.
I live and believe that I am me. But I dont know me.
For years I seeked.
For years I tried to attain a goal: To know myself. Who I really am. [And my purpose.]
[But] I never really succeeded.
My brain can't compensate the postulate and given truth that change is constant.
I can't handle changes.
I am way too slow and out of pace.

I can't finish a damn song.
I can't forget about a damn past.
In all aspects I am a liar.
To you. And to me.
I do not know what to believe in, and how to believe.
I am uncertain.
I am afraid. Afraid of finding out what lies ahead, and even though they may answer my questions, I CANNOT LET GO OF THE FEAR.
And so I hide.
And so I'd rather die.

I used to believe that there is something good in everything.
Well, I hate everything and I don't know why.
Perhaps I have acquired a phobia so damn weird nobody has a solution [to it].
I am reaching my rock bottom point.
I need help and I can't help myself. [I do not know how.]
I am fully submerged in nothingness.
All I want to do is disappear and free myself from all pain.
I am afraid of pain.
But pain is good.

[I just feel so empty inside.]

[This is what happens when the fairy godmother of optimism loses her powers.
This is what happens when prayers start feeling empty.
This is the product of sht.]

[But I don't want to die.
So save me before I do.]

I am suicidal.
Congratulations.

R22-23dec06.