totoo

bakit kelangan magpaasakit ng damdamin para sa kung ano ang sinasabing 'tama'? ano ang tama? ano ang totoo?

paano kung wala lang talagang saysay ang mundo? paano kung patungo lang sa katangahan at kawalan ang lahat? paano kung di ko pala kelangang masaktan para dito? pano kung pala natin kelangan magpigil para sa wala lang?

pano kung pwede pala tayo?

pano?

bakit may kalungkutan? bakit hindi tunay na kasiyahan ang laging nananalo? bakit kelangan masaktan?

bakit hindi pwede? bakit hanggang dito na lang?

pero..

bakit, bakit nga ba nagtatanong pa ako? matagal na akong binigyan ng kasagutan.. ayaw lang tanggapin ng di-makaintindi kong utak.. ipinagpipilitan ang di maaari..

dati.. isa akong nilalang na walang pake.. sa kahit ano.. sa kahit anong mangyayari.. walang hinaharap para sa akin.. hindi makikita nag hinaharap.. walang hinaharap.. isang malaking tanga, pero sinong may pake? sa tinawag kong kalayaang yon ay naging masaya ako. sa tinawag kong kalayaang yon ay hindi ako labis na nasasaktan.. walang harang. walang kahit ano. pero, lagi rin akong hindi kumpleto.

ano ang tunay na katotohanan? ano ang katotohanan na totoo para sa lahat? ano?

bata, nasaan ang pananalig mo?

pero kahit wag ka na lang bumalik.. basta ba maabot mo ang tunay na kasiyahan..

nasasaktan ako, at isa yong katothanan para sa kin. naiipit ako, at isa yong katotohanan para sa akin. ninanais ko ang iyong pagbabalik, isa itong katotohanan para sa akin.

pero kahit wag ka na lang bumalik.. basta ba maabot mo ang tunay na kasiyahan..

-+reish.31aug05.

webcam

i though seeing you would be the best for me tonight..

at first, yeah, seeing you all because of an amazing mechanism that we now call a webcam, i felt happy and enlightened. but i wonder why that feeling just went away. flew away and left me feeling incomplete.

seeing you made my heart melt in happiness.. but after a while, i just felt so, empty. incomplete.

seeing you makes me miss you..

and i dont want to miss you.. not yet, at least.. i still have four long months before my earthly nirvana comes. i dont want to miss you. not because i dislike thoughts of you. thats definitely a 'no'. perhaps its just because i dislike the feeling of loneliness, emptiness, and undying unsatisfaction.

without you i feel lonely. without you i feel not only incomplete, but empty. and as long as you are miles away, unsatisfaction comes for a visit once in a while.

suddenly, seeing you gives reality a chance to slap me in the face real hard. you're not here, not here physically, and even if you are, you'd always be a million miles away.. for i know, really 'being with you' shall forever be a dream, shall always be forbidden to come true.

kawawa naman ako, namimiss na kita. :(
-+reish.28aug05.

skip

i feel a LOT better now, compared to the way that i was minutes ago.. :) it's good to hear *read* from people :) SOOO good.

haha.. pero walanghiyangkuting. i passed by this blog and this guy was like.. malupit na konyo!! *freak out* so decided to stop reading. hai. haha. akala ko pa naman matutulungan nya ko. haha. lol.

fieldtrip namin kahapon. hindi ko feel ikwento sa pulang xyz ko kanina dahil wala ako sa mood. pero happy at hyper ako ngayon so here.

first of all, we spent almost an hour waiting for i dont know what at school, boring part. haha. inaantok pa ko nun. a long bus ride to the national museum. i've been there before, i think, gradeschool.? haha. anyway, while walking, it started to rain. earlier, we were all told to bring umbrellas, caps, etc. but almost nobody did so. haha. almost. so practically everybody got wet. and as for me, i, who dislikes umbrellas and forgot her cap, i was soaking wet. hair, blouse, skirt, shoes, lahat halos sakin nabasa. haha. pero ok lang. DANI! rain is our thing ;-) hehe.. dani and i were even "celebrating" that it was rainning really hard. haha. (sadyang nagsstroll kami pag umuulan na sa school) you'd see everybody sticking to each other, trying to get a piece of other people's umbrellason their head, etc. haha.. funfun. tas bumaliktad payong ni lara :P pero pinagtyagaan pa rin nila jeric at john mark. haha. yun, practically nagmukhang mga basang sisiw ang 07. toink. the teachers even considered bringing the "wet" students back to school. binigyan kaming option na bumalik na lang sa pisay. but i dont think anybody went back.. hai. anyway. roamed around national museum, then naglunch sa bus, some went strolling inside fort santiago, then we all went to bahay ng tsinoy.. kyut at astig yung hlographic man.. :) at may kyut chinese kid pics din.. at stairs. haha. labo. anyway. we spent almost the whole day inside the bus, feeling cold, wet, and for some, sick. haha. pero masaya naman. :)

good luck na lang samin next time :))

happy birthday JANEL! :)

masaya ako ngayon, pansin nyo? ;P

-+reish.06aug05.

stare and dream

i feel empty. like something's missing. i dont know exactly what that thing is.
i feel tired. and sick.
and as i doze off.. i realize..
i want to see my own blood again.

forever a masochist.

i wish to perish, yet everytime i see the sunset.. i makes me look forward to tomorrow.. to what might come my way.. to whatever it is that fate has in store for me..
i wish to evaporate in thin air.. i way not be 100% liquid.. but still..
i want to be gone. poof. gone. yet everytime i see that smile in my dreams and in this picture that i never let go of, i start to gain hope. hoping for a tomorrow that would be full of beauty, and freedom.

i long for heaven..
i long for death..

i remember myself as this little girl,the nights when id kneel down on my knees, weeping and praying real hard..
"dear Lord, take me away.. take my spirit.. i long for death. i hope it'll embrace me tonight, perhaps in my sleep.."

suicidal. suicidal.
-+reish.04aug05.