stare and dream

i feel empty. like something's missing. i dont know exactly what that thing is.
i feel tired. and sick.
and as i doze off.. i realize..
i want to see my own blood again.

forever a masochist.

i wish to perish, yet everytime i see the sunset.. i makes me look forward to tomorrow.. to what might come my way.. to whatever it is that fate has in store for me..
i wish to evaporate in thin air.. i way not be 100% liquid.. but still..
i want to be gone. poof. gone. yet everytime i see that smile in my dreams and in this picture that i never let go of, i start to gain hope. hoping for a tomorrow that would be full of beauty, and freedom.

i long for heaven..
i long for death..

i remember myself as this little girl,the nights when id kneel down on my knees, weeping and praying real hard..
"dear Lord, take me away.. take my spirit.. i long for death. i hope it'll embrace me tonight, perhaps in my sleep.."

suicidal. suicidal.
-+reish.04aug05.