punta tayong nevereverever land.

for every entry here, i almost talk about a different topic, "talk" to different people. or even for every section of the entries. or even for every paragraph. or even for every line. or word? haha. labo. anyway, gusto ko lang sabihin yun.

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i talked to her last week. pagkatapos ng huwazaaap!'s (we don't normally say hi or hello. we scream huwazaaap each time -- or at least she does. i only do so when she's too sad or sleepy to.) ay sinabihan niya ko ng:
"bakit ka tumawag? miss mo na ko no?"

hindi nya siguro alam na sineryoso ko yun kahit pabiro nya lang sinabi. at shempre, the usual na ko, pabiro ko ring sinabi sa kanya na "oo, bakit? masama ba?" tapos tawanan. sabi nya, "hindi kita namiss." at sandali lang daw siya sa phone dahil perio na nila. perio din naman namin ah. first time ata yun na di kami inabot ng 1am sa telepono.

nakakainis. alam mo yung pakiramdam na yun? na feeling mo di ka importante sa isang taong importante sa yo? i get that feeling quite often these days. at frustrating kasi baka naman nagffeeling ka lang na importante ka in anyway -- na malay mo, hindi ka naman pala importante at all so wala kang karapatang humingi ng feeling na importante ka. ewan. ang labo. basta, ganun.

ewan ko. hindi ko kasi maisip na nagbibiro lang siya. there was something different sa huling pag-uusap namin, compared to the other talks that we have had in the past. but don't get me wrong, masaya pa rin siyang kausap, may personal stuff ding napag-usapan, bagong nalaman.. blah.. pero. may iba eh. parang may kulang. dapat siguro di na lang ako nag-expect na sobrang machcheer-up ako ng pag-uusap namin. dapat hindi ako nag-expect na gagaan ang loob ko dahil nakausap ko siya. di porket ganun dati ay ganun pa rin ngayon. she just. changed. into probably someone i dont know. or maybe i did. or maybe we both changed and failed to keep track. ewan. parang ang layo na niya. sobraaang layo.

ganun din the last time na nagkita kami, which was months ago. may sakit ako nun. but then again, she decided to go with ~~ at literally ay iniwan niya ko. oa ako eh, kaya nagrereklamo ako. nasaan na yung doggy dar kong hindi ako iniiwan? yung super hyper na sa bawat beses na makausap ko ay biglang gumagaan ang lahat? nasaan na?

ewan ko. sana paranoid lang ako. sana mali lang ako. sana hindi siya nawawala. sana hindi ako nagkukulang. sana. ewan ko. baka naman ako ang sobrang nagbago. ewan ko talaga. im confused. raaaah.

ayoko kasing mawala yung bestfriend ko. :'(

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am i doing something so wrong?

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so what happens when the only person on earth that you have always held on to leaves you? wala lang. weird enguleesh kwestyon. ang drama eh. hahaha. hahahahaha.
hahahahahahhahhahahaha.
T_T

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ayokong papuntahin ang mom ko sa family day. at lalo na yung dad ko. ayokong makuha ang report card ko for this quarter. i know i'll be getting some *BAD* grades. hindi ko yun sinasadya. ayoko na. i better wear a helmet. i might hit rock bottom soon. (weh~ kontrahin.. ok.. bangag side..)

ayokong makita ng parents ko ang grades ko. tapos babawi ako next quarter. then pwede na nilang makita ang card ko. para ma-cancel yung bad side, di ba? ewan. pfft.
naiinis ako. i have let them down again. grrrrrr. this is what angers me the most.

as if posibleng di kunin ng nanay ko yung card na yun.

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im too tired of pondering on those words.. im too tired to hink more about those thoughts. i just want to turn my back, run away, and not worry about it. pero hindi ako ganun. abnormal para sa akin ang tumakas na lang. the things that i run away from always come haunting me over and over. so i want to get done with this and breathe. pero ayoko na. too much pressure. ayoko na. nalulungkot lang ako. ayoko na. ayoko nang maalala.

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move on and move up. help.

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life can be so frustrating at times. pero anyway. krishna, think: pre-requisites.

minsan hindi ko lang talaga maalala kung anong gusto ko. kung anong pinaniniwalaan ko. kelangan kong i-charge ang aking sarili. (bzzzt. bzzzt. huh?)

bakit may mga taong sobrang lakas ng faith? saan ba nanggagaling yun?

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kaya ko to. :)
R15aug06.

and roars

somebody tell me -- oa ba ako masyado? na tipong wala namang saysay ang laman ng blogs ko an siya rin namang kadalasang laman ng utak ko.. na.. ewan.. baka senseless lang naman lahat ng iniisip ko at dapat tigilan ko na lang dahil sayang naman ang oras. ang labo. pfft.

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para sa clucking dude -- kung nabasa mo ang previous entry, let me know. you can comment about it here or "personally", or simply tell me, "hoy butiki." gusto ko lang malaman.

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shucks. dapat talaga hindi ako nabbore eh. or nagsstay up nang ganito ka-late at walang kausap. nababangag ako eh. para na akong lasheeng. pfft.

shet. bakit ko ba laging ginagamit ang 'pfft'? yunba ay ang warning gas ng tae o wala lang? basta, ang alam ko, una kong nakuha yan nung nagkaroon kami ng hand-out sa compsci3 (under sir anton!) at may nakalagay na 'pfft.' attribute at natawa naman ako. so yan, nagstick sa akin. (ah.. so kaya ko pala ginagamit ang pffft...)

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ayoko na makita yung sunsilk (tama bang brand?) commercial na may jingle na "babaeng uy! ay!..." kamukha kasi ng guy doon yung guy na nakatabi ko sa jeep last week. yung pesteng nilalang na yun na grabe rumespeto ng dignidad at katawan ng iba. anak ng tae. (eeew..)
ang paniniwala ko pa man din ay mga seksi lang ang ginaganun.. at hindi naman ako seksi so i feel safe. pero anak talaga ng tae. akala ko malubak lang talaga yung daanan eh, so pinalampas ko. pero the moment na di ko na talaga kaya, kunwari inayos ko yung skirt at bag ko, at nakita ko yung mga tae niyang kamay.

shit. hindi naman seksi legs ko ah. bakit gusto mong hawakan? tae ka. lalo na yung hips ko. pwet ka. tapos wala ka na palang katabi na iba, ako pa sinisiksikan mo. anak ka ng tae. shit. hindi kita makakalimutan kasi hindi mo ko ako ginalang at lalong hindi ko ginagalang ang ginawa mo. shet. respeto naman. tinago mo pa yung kamay mo sa isang polo. shit. kung alam mo lang, handa na akong saksakin ka ng mahiwaga kong black ballpen. anak ka ng tae. (fine, rerespetuhin ko nanay mo. hindi ka anak ng tae. TAE KA!)

ayun. actually, hindi ako natakot. nagalit ako. AT, pag baba ko pa ng jeepney (at ako na talaga yung huling lumabas ng jeep dahil ako ang may pinakamalayong destinasyon sa lahat ng sumakay doon..) ay sinusundan niya ako. and to think na may dadaanan pa akong madilim na parte ng street noon bago makarating sa meeting place namin ng tatay ko. shit talaga. mula nang gabing yun, sa bawat pagsakay ko ng jeepney ay ang pagmamasid sa mga mukha ng pasahero ang una kong ginagawa. pag nakita ko siya ulit. nako. we'll see. nakakainis talaga. magdadala na nga ako lagi ng scissors. pwet.

ganun pa man, gusto ko pa rin ang magcommute. at gusto ko pa rin ng at least 4-pack abs. seksi na yun. yun lang. walang maniac creature on the loose.

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anyway, feeling ko hindi pa ako prepared sa practical exams bukas sa webdev. haha. siguro super simple lang yun sa iba, pero. ewan ko. i'll try. XD ayaw magwork ng ginawa kong website dito sa bahay eh. aahh. sana magwork bukas.

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nako. this friday na ang last day ng submission ng ateneo forms. pfft. sinabi ko na kasi sa nanay ko na wag na lang ako mag-apply doon eh. tsk. wala pa kaya kong essay. ayoko gumawa ng essay. pero gagawa ako bukas. kasi kelangan. grr.

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sige na nga, matutulog na ako.
R14aug06.

clucks

life on earth is just like being inside the womb of a woman. you are technically not born yet, but you *somehow* exist. think of yourself as a smart-ass fetus. you have been given the choice of whether you would want to live or not. to live, you have to fulfill some pre-requisites.
you have to be good. you have to follow God's will. you have to listen to Him. you have to sacrifice and live as God tells you.if you fail to complete those pre-requisites, you won't be born, you won't get to experience a happy life.
you'll go to hell.

everything on this earth is a pre-requisite. sacrifices have to be done in order to get yourself in a very happy place -- so happy you can't imagine it.
everyhting on earth is temporary. you have to look forward and take the ticket to heaven as something very essential.

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once in a while, it makes me awfully sad to remember you and the happy days that we had. it feels so sad not to be able to be as happy as, or even happier than,those lovers who hold each other's hand, walk together, talk freely to each other, embrace, and just have someone that you know will always be there for you. i want to tell you that itstill is painful and nothing could ever match it. you are one of the most important people in my life; a big part of me exists because of you, and i thank you for that.so maybe i loved you after i told you it's done.

now i look at this as something that i must go through. i have to move on and this is just one of the many pre-requisites that i have to complete for my ticket.

i now remember why i did what i did. i didn't want you to fall deeper into sin because of me. i didn't want you to go to hell because of me, and vice versa. i wanted you to be clean for God. i wanted Him to also live within you. i wanted you to get what i thought was best for you, and i still do.
if only i could have Him AND you, i would choose that option. but hard as it is, i have to choose one.i want to tell you that in this freak is somebody who loves you deeply, and wants what is best for you.

i thought you made the same promise to change, as i did, so i get frustrated each time i hear about "her" -- your new her.i thought i was successful that i made you closer to Him.
i now do not know what to think.

why don't we actually start moving on? or perhaps you have.
i haven't.

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do you know how it is to feel unimportant to the most important person in your life?

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i don't get it -- why does she want me to change the way that i look, the way that i dress myself, the way i do things?
do i really have to change the external to change the internal?

can't i be me in the process?

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so maybe i can't change overnight.

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i now know what F5 does in notepad. haha. and im gonna use it. :))
.krishna - 1:50 PM 8/13/06