hey, merry christmas.

christmas to a suicidal freak.

you look for him, yet you can't find
you talk to him, but you can't hear a reply
nothing could make you feel more empty.
nothing but this feeling of separation from the great one

christmas isnt really about a christmas tree or santa claus or greeting 'happy holidays'
no, its not about those pagan things
its not about writing 'merry Xmas' on gifts to give
why celebrate without the 'Christ' in 'merry christmas'?

many seem to have forgotten what its really about
its actually about remembering the birthday
of the child who was born to die for our sins
christmas is about christ, and no other

many have forgotten
well, i havent
but this year i seek to have him in my heart
for lately i cannot feel
lately i feel so empty

empty prayers that dont seem to contain anything but words
empty actions that seem to contain muscle movement alone
emptiness is about not having him there
or at least feeling so

perhaps i have given into too much of the world
the material world which makes me dream
the material world which makes me complete only on the surface
the material world which i want to escape

this christmas, i try to find him once again
we've been there, we've been close
but my materialism has sucked out the good in me
i dont want christmas to be this empty.

R24dec06.

rant text

I can't express myself enough to let go of all the hatred inside.
I guess I'm back to where I started.
Back to nothing. Back to feeling all the sadness and angst.
You thought I was ok. I thought I was doing well.
Well, I guess we all thought wrong.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite.
Maybe I'm living in lies.
Maybe I'm not doing any better than ever.
I drown in sadness. I have submerged myself in[to] a fake reality of illusions.
I guess I tricked myself well.
I am back to my old self. [That is,] if I ever had one.

I'm suicidal.
Congratulations.

My brain is deteriorating.
I live in panic and fear.
I live in illusions and impossible dreams.
I live and believe that I am me. But I dont know me.
For years I seeked.
For years I tried to attain a goal: To know myself. Who I really am. [And my purpose.]
[But] I never really succeeded.
My brain can't compensate the postulate and given truth that change is constant.
I can't handle changes.
I am way too slow and out of pace.

I can't finish a damn song.
I can't forget about a damn past.
In all aspects I am a liar.
To you. And to me.
I do not know what to believe in, and how to believe.
I am uncertain.
I am afraid. Afraid of finding out what lies ahead, and even though they may answer my questions, I CANNOT LET GO OF THE FEAR.
And so I hide.
And so I'd rather die.

I used to believe that there is something good in everything.
Well, I hate everything and I don't know why.
Perhaps I have acquired a phobia so damn weird nobody has a solution [to it].
I am reaching my rock bottom point.
I need help and I can't help myself. [I do not know how.]
I am fully submerged in nothingness.
All I want to do is disappear and free myself from all pain.
I am afraid of pain.
But pain is good.

[I just feel so empty inside.]

[This is what happens when the fairy godmother of optimism loses her powers.
This is what happens when prayers start feeling empty.
This is the product of sht.]

[But I don't want to die.
So save me before I do.]

I am suicidal.
Congratulations.

R22-23dec06.

trauma

wake up. love isn't =pain. wake up.
there is so much more.
wake up.

R14dec06.