loop

i always find it hard to talk to my mom. i feel bad almost everytime i talk to her. no, she's not an evil mom. i'm the evil kid who would never want to listen to what she has to say. i try hard, i really do. i just don't understand why i can't listen to her for a long time.

sometimes, i just don't want to speak to her. maybe because almost each time i do, words just don't come out right. after saying someting, i'd usually bite my lips, realizing the wrong words that i have said. evil, yes i am. maybe.

don't get me wrong -- my mom and i sometimes tell stories, how our day went, some jokes, and all that. sometimes.

but most of the time, she talks to me about the time that i should eat. that i should not skip meals. that other things can go after i eat. i want to tell her that my system doesn't like going for the time that the clock shows. i have my own body clock -- i eat when it's time for me to get hungry or something. also, i can't leave something that i am doing just like that -- when i do something, i prefer finishing it first rather than having a break in the middle of it. when my thoughts come to a pause, sometimes it just goes to a stop. i take breaks and eat when i know i cannot go on any longer with work. i do know my limits. my stomach depends not on a stupid clock on the wall. nobody knows my stomach better than me.

she talks to me about my usage of the computer. she says all that i do is go online, waste money by buying internet cards, chat all day, email, and do nothing worthwhile. i want to tell her that sometimes, i need my friends to talk to. she just didn't grow up in the computer-madness time. i want to tell her that sometimes, i use the computer to submit something, or work on a school requirement with somebody. my internet usage isn't all fun, you know. although, yes, i do use the net for leisure most of the time. but that is not a reason for her to generalize. for all i know, i am getting bored with the net. it's just a coincidence that she always see me in front of the computer when i use it, and not when i don't. she thinks i live infront of the computer every minute. maybe.

and then she talks to me about grades. about how terrible i've been. hey, i'm still not failing big time. just because i didn't do so well last year in this subject doesn't mean i'm failing in everything. i am still not like that, and i will not allow myself to be. she tells me that i should do this and that, that i should keep on reviewing. every single summer day. and a lot more to top it all off.yes, mom. i experienced how hard it was to fail, what it feels like, and the thoughts that goes to your head as a result. i was slapped in the face by the reality and i now know how to plan for the future -- or at least i'm trying to. i know what i should do, and i don't have to be whipped in the face by reminders over and over, everyday. i do review, i do study. after all that had happened, how will i ever allow myself to go soo damn easy on myself? i'm trying to do something. don't rush nor push me too hard. it's squishing me. just keep on believing and praying for me, and i'll do my best. believe. please.

and just a while ago, she mention that things aren't the way they used to be. that i shouldn't go too easy on myself like i used to in elementary. back then, even if i do not study, i pass. no, i do not only pass. i excel. oh those days -- gone. life's hard. yeah, it is. i learned that first-hand. now, i'm in highschool. i'm nearly going to college. pfft. she mentioned that a while ago. and it brought me to tears. a sentence that told me that i am going to college made me cry. imagine that.

why? am i too afraid to go to college? am i too afraid to grow up? why am i afraid, if i am? is there anything to fear in the first place?

maybe i am afraid..

i'm too sad to continue this entry.

i'm sorry mom. i'm sorry that i find it hard to tell you that i really am.
.reish