hold on

it's hard when you feel like you're hanging on to a dangling string.. a string so thin than even the wind could be sharp enough to cut it.

seriously, nadedepress na ako. parang tanga. just a few days ago i was wishing to get hurt and sad and damn depressed, even angry, just to finish this fil3 requirement that contains no happiness in it. // the story that i passed was overflowing with anger and sadness..// yet now.. what's happening?

to me, it seemed like i was hanging on to this damn thin string, showing people smiles and happiness. but happiness wasn't all that i had. it was even the least one that fills me up inside. confessions. iworry about my grades. not again? yes, again. i would definitely not want to fail a subject twice in a year. hell. NO. that CANNOT be. death to my soul. i can say that i do well in my other subjects.. but there's this subject and another one that makes me worry. worry. worry.

what'll happen next?

perhaps i am like this now for i aim at nothing. i have no particular goal. i aim at nothing yet get something. emptiness still exists, though, for nothing can never bring one everything. i believe not. i am just too distracted. i do not know what to aim for, what or where to focus myself on. what is it that i want?

hindi pa rin siguro ako natututong magprioritize.

the string that i was holding on to.. some wind that seemed to be as sharp as a knife had cut it.

today, aside from hiding the confusion that had almost always been here inside, the hopes of a desperate freak had been crushed.

para naman kasing di ko sha kilala di ba.. parang tanga.. alam ko namang may posibilidad na biro lang yun, na kahit sabihin ang salitang 'seryoso' ay hindi pa rin ganun.. tanga talaga. alam ko naman na pag seryoso yung tao, seryoso talaga ang dating nya e.. at malayo sa pagiging seryoso ang pagkakasabi niya. duh. tanga ka ba? asa pa.

"you ok?"

"yeah."

"sure?"

"yeah."

"ok? from the bottom of your heart?"

"uh, no. half-way at least."

"..."

"half-way umasa rin e.."

kaw naman, di ka na mabiro.

aside from those things that i thought i could really handle, came this joke that acted as my string's knife-wind. like a kid, tears ran down the eyes simply because of the thought of being left behind. i thought my dad had gone home or elsewhere simply because i didn't come to the parking lot on time as we had agreed upon. it was that smple, yet it was enough to make me break down. i just had too much stuff bottled up inside. everything was too much for me to handle. i just had to let out what was keeping me from being happy. i didn't cry only because i thought dad had gone home without me, no, that's too light.. but it was heavy enough to make the negativities overflow. di nakayanan eh.

ohwell. move on. move on.

i am strong. i am strong. I AM STRONG. strength is the ability to withstand any obstacle, any storm that life shares with you. strength is when you can stand though almost everything's pulling you down. i am strong. I AM STRONG. kaya ko to.

i am krishna. i am reish. i am STRONG. -+reish.28sept05.

xoi salamat. you never fail to make me smile. salamat. di mo sinasadya siguro, pero salamat talaga.