i can choose not to

i can choose not to live
i do not feel motivated with regards to my future plans. i may not have a "good" future. i will, eventually die anyway. i am so confused.. i just dont know how id live any longer.
i may be "suicidal" and i long for my death.. but i am not a freak who's insane enough to achieve it on purpose. for killing (oneself, or another) is a sin.

i can choose not to go to hell.
i still have my faith. the things i believe in and what i think could happen to me. do evil, dont even try to change, die, go to hell. you get the picture.
and i badly need the unity of life within me. but due to hypocrisy.. i guess i just cant.
i can choose not to live for a moment and aim for eternal happiness.
i can choose not to hold on to the person that i feel deeply for, and devote myself to our faith.
i can still turn back.
but i won't. i just can't.

// tourniquet. //

i hate confusion.
confusion sucks.

i love chicken.

i am damn lost.

kill me, please.

-+reish.17mar05.