i should, but i don't.

this sucks.
right now, i should be doing some school work (my part on our physics report, my geometry project, geometry homework, chemistry exercises..) but here i am, trying to organize this blog.
i don't even know exactly why i did this.
but hey, i have my excuse... i only went home last night from a (somewhat) tiring (yet fun and memorable) trip. i, along with other girls, were invited to this overnight trip to tagatay.
it was fun.
from tanglaw (they came up with this), we went to east avenue and had an outreach activity in the hospital. i don't know, but, for me, if i was in a hospital for just a couple of days, i wouldn't want strangers to come to me and try to comfort me with the pity that they feel for sick and hospitalized people. though, some may really feel that they want to help.. but out of what..? i realized that i don't like outreach programs like these very much when i tried to see myself in anthony's (the guy i was able to talk to there) shoes. but i think hospitalized people will appreciate it more if they had like, this damn disease and are desperate for refuge.
...or maybe i need to cut that topic before some 'charitable' people start attacking me.

but hey, this IS a blog - my blog - so why stop it there?
..haha..
never mind..
..anyway, so after the outreach activity, we started the real trip to tagaytay... we stopped over at a gas station along the way, one that has a McDonald's with it. a friend of mine, her name is Cassandra , got a hat (it looked like a party hat..) of a McDo crew person for free... now i have it. (but not really, since i'll be giving that back to her..) then we arrived at tagaytay, and stayed at a house there that has a cool attic (haha.. in my opinion..) i slept at around 2:30 in the morning, unlike the others who, i think, slept at around 12 or 1 a.m... ate Cassy and I spent the whole time trying to fall asleep, talking about weird stuff (like the DNA of man and orangutans and grass and how they are alike.. haha.. long story.).. it was fun, dude. in the morning we made our (delightful.) breakfast, planted some trees at mendez (what an experience..), went back to the house for lunch, then went to a clubhouse to play some sports... there, it was a mess. i planned to play basketball, with ate Cassy, but we can't find the court in that damn clubhouse, so we played badminton instead (i'd never want to play volleyball ever..). the whole thing was fun, crazy and enjoyable though. ...we took pictures then went home..

i wish i'd be a hell lot better than myself at present, but i'm not. everything's whirling and turning and is blurred. i need refuge, but i'm not desperate so i don't really search for it.

i hate cramming, yet i am stupid enough to cram - again.

i need to do a bunch of stuff (including eating dinner) right now, but i'm still doing this blog thing. man, it sucks.

i feel
damned.
i feel
short.
(...but not with *i* ******* around. haha! i am so bad..)
i feel
dead.
(ate Cassy..)
i feel like sleeping,
but i can't..
..and i shouldn't.

why is it bad to do or feel something 'illegal' in your religion.. so bad that you should really consider stopping it for good.. yeah, yeah, because it's 'illegal'. but.. another reason please.. and would it still be 'illegal' outside your religion? if could still prevent it from 'solidizing' within you, should you? ..just bacause it's 'illegal'..?
should it hurt if someone that you (are uncertain if you really) like will be going away.. far away.. soon.. and you can't stop that.. but you're still uncertain about that.. and for what reason..? because you're friends? or because you're close to each other and you feel comfortable with that person..? or because there's something more on your side..?
i am so
blurred

(myself)
uncertain
undecided
unclear
...
it sucks.

Is there really something beyond all of these..?
-+ rei.082204.