dreaming insomniac

kulay rosas

2007-04-07T02:30:00.000+08:00

para kang naglalakad sa footbridge na sobrang kitid at sobrang haba. tapos wala lang, sinusundan lang kita. baka kasi may kailanganin ka. well, ano nga bang kakailanganin mo sa footbridge? wala lang, nakasunod lang sayo.
never kang iniwan.
tapos. ngayon napapaisip ako.
gusto mo bang tigilan ko na lang yung pagsunod?

baka kasi naiilang ka.
at di mo naman pala ako kelangan at all.

after all, may fear of heights ako. ayoko sa footbridges.
R07apr07.

isang gabi sa commonwealth avenue

2007-04-04T05:36:00.000+08:00

"kung may gusto akong maging girlfriend, siya yun. hindi naman nagbago yun e."

i'll have to admit, haha. ang sakit nun. n_n pero amazing, sobra. kaya ayos lang.
R04apr07.

plawerr

2007-04-02T23:31:00.000+08:00

October 25, 2002.

Late ako sa klase. Pagdating ko sa arm chair ko, may birthday card at red rose.

Galing sa kanya.

Happy birthday daw.

+ + +

Naaalala ko pa dati, nakaupo't nilalamok na kami nun sa isang sulok sa front lobby. Tumutugtog ng gitara, kumakanta-kanta.

Biglang may isang grupo ng kalalakihan na dumating. Nagkaantaha't tumutugtog din sila. Bigla nilang kinanta yung 'Harana' ng PNE at inabutan yung girlfriend ko ng rosas na kulay rosas.

Nagulat sya, na-conscious.

Nagselos ako? Hindi ah. Natawa pa nga ako't ngumiti na lang. Alam ko naman kasi na ako ang mahal niya.

Umalis na rin sila.

"Uh. Friends ko."

"Alam ko." Tapos nginitian ko siya. Naaliw naman ako.

Kumanta siya bigla ng "With a Smile" ng Eraserheads. Mula nang tumapak ang Marso, lagi na niyang kinakanta yan. Magkakahiwalay na kasi kami.

Tapos binigay niya sa kin yung rosas na kulay rosas. Di lang naman kasi lalaki ang pwedeng magbigay ng bulaklak diba? Di ko man maisip kung dapat ko ba yung kunin, kinuha ko na rin. Tinago ko.

Wala na kami ngayon pero naaalala ko pa.

+ + +

Prom nun. Inask ko sya kahit di ako yung lalaki.
Ano naman ngayon?

Sabi ko violet yung gown ko.

Binigyan niya ako ng puting bulaklak na may violet na ribbon. Ako, walang mahanap na violet flower so blue na rose na lang ang binigay ko.

Nakasabit pa rin sa dingding ng kwarto ko yung puting bulaklak na may violet ribbon.

Oo, hanggang ngayon.

+ + +

Valentines nun. Nakasalubong ko siya sa harap ng caf. Niloko ko naman.

"O, nasa'n flowers ko?"

"Gusto mo?"

"Syempre. Gusto ko yung rose ha. Yung itim."

"Itim?!"

"Oo, di pa kasi ako nakakakita nun e."

"Shet. Saan ako hahanap ng itim na rosas?" Bulong niya (pero malakas) sa sarili.

"Oy! Joke lang. No pressure. Wag na."

Kinabukasan binigyan niya ko ng pulang rosas na pinilit i-dye ng itim. Mukhang namamatay na bulaklak na yun, pero ayos lang.
Natuwa ako.
Salamat sa effort.

+ + +

Pumitas siya ng isang dahon mula sa halaman sa harap ng bahay ng bestfriend ko. Ang tagal kasing buksan yung gate.

Tapos pumitas pa siya ng isa.

"Wag mo ngang ubusin yung dahon nila!"

At pumitas pa ng isa ang makulit na nilalang. Tsaka niya binigay sa kin.

"Teka, tinatago mo ba yung mga binibigayko sa yo?"

"Alin, yung mga petals na pinupulot mo kung saan, yung mga bulaklak na pinipitas mo mula sa stage?"

Nginitian nya na naman ako. Yun yung ngiti na gustung-gusto kong nakikita lagi. Nako, pa-cute na namn to. Nakakatakot.

"Ay? Dapat ko bang itago?" Tsaka ko sinilid sa bag yung mga dahon.

Syempre tinatago ko. Ano ba namang klaseng tanong yun.

+ + +

Pulang rosas para sa pag-ibig
Puting rosas para sa pagmamahal
Kulay rosas Pink (na nga!) para sa love

Anong pinagkaiba?
Kahit dahon pa.

+ + +

Alam kong nagkamali ako ng biro nun.
At nag-sorry na ko, pero mukha pa rin siyang galit.

Tumakbo pa ko sa field nun para kumuha ng bulaklak. At para magsorry ulit.

Nilagay ko sa harap niya yung mga bulaklak.

"Sorry na."

"Hindi ako galit." Naiiyak niyang sabi.

"Sorry na."

"Hindi nga ako galit."

Napahiya naman ako.

"Kukunin mo ba to?", tinuro ko yung mga korni kong pinitas.

Umiling siya.

Tumalikod na lang ako. At naluha.

"Sorry na nga."

+ + +

Disclaimer: eh. naalala ko lang. hindi connected sa romantic love ang lahat ng ito.

R02apr07.

YEY sawakas.

2007-04-01T15:03:00.000+08:00

WARNING. basta, you have been warned. :D

+ + +

Haay nako. Grabeng trapik talaga sa Ampid* kahit kailan. Heto na naman, gagabihin na ko nang sobra sa pag-uwi dahil halos naka-park na sa kalsada ang mga sasakyan sa sobrang trapik. Baka mas maaga pa kong makauwi kung maglalakad na ko e. Ang dami na rin ngang tulog sa jeep eh. Pero hindi naman marami ang nakakalagpas sa dapat nilang babaan, kasi, pagkagising nila, tanaw pa rin nila, o mas malala, nandun pa rin sila, sa kung saan sila nakatulog.Sigurado, pag-uwi ko, papagalitan na naman ako.

"Bakit ka ginabi?", yan na naman ang itatanong sa kin ng tatay ko pag nagmano na ako. Sa lahat ba naman kasi ng lalakwatsahang mall, sa SM North pa? Ang layooo kaya nun. Ginabi na tuloy. Buti na lang at naisipan kong bumili ng pasalubong ngayon. Siguradong patatawarin nila ako't ngingitian na pag nakita to.

Halos alas nuebe na ko nakababa ng jeep atsaka sumakay sa tricycle. Mga lima o sampung minuto pa bago ako tuluyang nakapagbukas ng gate ng bahay namin.

Nagmano ako. Syempre, tinanong ako ng tatay ko kung bakit ako ginabi. Sinagot ko na may binili pa kasing regalo yung kaibigang kasama ko kanina at natagalan kami. Totoo naman e. Alas siete na kaya kami umalis ng SM ni Li. Ewan ko ba kung bakit, hindi ko na lang muna nilabas yung pasalubong ko, na para bang hindi naman talaga yun ang importanteng bagay sa gabing to.

Umakyat na ako ng hagdan at tumungo sa magulo pero maayos kong kwarto. (Eh maayos naman kasi yun, mukha lang magulo sa ibang tao. Kanya-kanyang reference frame lang yan! Haha. Paborito ko talaga tong palusot.)
Nag-aayos na ko ng grad pics ng mga batchmates ko nang biglang may tumawag sa kin.

"ATE! Ate, kain na daw.", tawag ng kapatid kong lalaki.

Maya-maya, "ATE! Kain na sa baba!", tawag naman ng kapatid kong babae tsaka siya tumungo sa kwarto niya.

Naisip ko, hipokrito talaga tong mga to. Tatawag-tawag para maghapunan tapos sila rin hindi pa kakain. Tsk. Tapos napangiti ako. Kahit ganito, at least ngayon, sabay-sabay na kaming kumakain ng hapunan.

Nako, kung alam nyo lang dati. Hanep, parang araw-araw may giyera sa bahay. Kaya ata ako suicidal noon eh. Hindi ba naman frustrating ang mawalan ng 'sanctuary'? Punung-puno ka na nga ng pasakit sa skwela, tapos pag-uwi mo, giyera pa. Ang hirap, grabe. Buti na lang naagapan ang gulo. Ngayon masaya lang talaga ako na sama-sama na ulit kami.
Bago ako lumabas ng kwarto, nakita kong nagpapahinga sa kama ko ang bago kong sketch pad, si Ketchi. Pansamantala muna ang pangalan na yun, wala lang talaga akong maisip. Wala pa atang sampung pahina ang nagagamit ko run eh. Nalungkot ako bigla.

Nitong mga nakaraang araw kasi, twing haharap ako sa isang blankong pahina ng sketch pad ko, mapapansin kong pati ako mismo, blanko. Wala akong maiguhit, wala akong maisulat, wala akong maikwento nang maayos. Wala. Blanko. Alam mo ba kung gaano ka-frustrating yun? Habang alam ko namang marami akong posibleng paksa: nandyan yung tungkol sa takot na binigay sa kin ng Forever ko nung isang araw sa footbridge. Hilahin ba naman nya ko sa may gilid nun habang alam na nga niyang takot na takot ako sa heights!
Andyan pa yung pagtawid namin sa mga kalye, sa pagtatabi namin sa ilang jeep, yung pangingidnap ko sa Project2.. mga kakornihan ng buhay..
Andyan yung pagtawa ng ilang tao sa pangarap ng isang altophobic na tulad ko na maging isang piloto balang araw.Andyan yung pagkasabik ko sa bespren kong maganda.
Andyan yung pag-abot ng clearance ko sa buwan ng Abril. Akalain mo, gradweyt ka na, pumapasok ka pa? Hanep!
Andyan yung pagkabato ko sa bahay dahil walang internet.
Andyan yung pagkasabik kong makapaglaro muli ng basketball kasama ang buong varsity. Nako, miss ko na talaga sila.
Mga ganung bagay. Andami ko namang pwedeng ikwento, pero pag hawak ko na ang lapis na sabik nang humalik at humalay (Naks! R18 na to!) sa mga pahina ng sketch pad ko, wala na. Namamatay na ang lahat. Habang dati pro ako dito. Shet, ano ba to? Grabeng block naman to.
Kung sabagay, noon nga ay mabilis akong makapagsulat o gumuhit, lalo na pag mula sa giyera sa bahay ang inspirasyon. Pro talaga ako!

Pero ngayon, siguro mabuti pa ngang hindi na lang ako muling makapagsulat o makaguhit wag lang bumalik ang mga araw na yun.

O siya, nagugutom na rin ako. Tama na muna ang pag-iisip sa inspirasyong giyera na yun. Kakain muna ako bago pa magbalik ang sakit ko na sumusuka kaagad kahit di pa busog at konti pa lang ang nakakakain. Dati kaya kong umubos ng tatlong Mcdo Value Meals (May kanin!) nang sunud-sunod at mabitin pa eh, ngayon kahit isang fry pa lang ata ang kainin ko halos iluwa ko na ang buong digestive system ko. Tae talaga.

Haha. Kanina nung kumain kami ng kaibigan ko sa Jollibee, nakaubos na rin ulit ako sa wakas ng isang full meal! Ngayon, excited na kong ipakita sa pamilya ko na ok (o bumubuti..) na ang pagkain ko. Proud ata ako!

Kahit tuyo, gulay na ayoko at kanin lang ang nasa hapag, walang reklamo. Masaya ako ngayong gabi. Ako nga pala ang unang umupo sa may dining table atsaka sila inaya. Hindi ako hipokrito no.

Sa wakas ay umupo na rin sila. Ok na sana ang pagkain nang biglang.

"Bakit sa twing kakain na tayo tsaka ka ganyan?", asar na sabi ng tatay ko. Narinig ko siya, pero hindi ko na lang pinansin. Ayos lang yan, lilipas din, sabi ko sa sarili.

Kalabog. Palo sa mesa. "Nakakawalang gana! Bakit hindi tayo magkasundo? Bakit ayaw mong pakinggan ang sinasabi ko?!"

Nako, nag-aaway na naman sila. Tinuloy ko lang ang pagkain. Ewan ko ba, mula nung muntik maghiwalay ang mga magulang ko at sa wakas ay nag-usap-usap ang pamilya nung Disyembre 10, 2006, mas naging kampante na ako sa bahay. Tuloy lang ang kain. Masaya pa rin ako. Buo pa kami.Oo, malabo talaga na masaya pa rin ako kahit nag-aaway na sila. Naisip ko kasi na wala naman talagang mag-asawa na di nag-aaway. Part lang yan.

Kalabog. "Ayoko ng ganyan!"

Palo sa mesa. Kuha ng tsinelas. Lumabas ng bahay ang tatay. Ang nanay ko naman, umupo sa mesa, nagsimulang kumain at nagsalita. Nagkumento sa mga sinabi ni Papa. Dinidepensahan ang sarili.
Yun ang ayaw
ko sa kanila eh. Ayos lang sana na nag-aaway sila paminsan-minsan. Di nagkakasundo.. Normal lang naman kasi yun. Pero ang magsalita sa likod nung isa? Ayoko talaga ng ganun. Tapos pahihirapan nila ako sa twing kakausapin ko sila kasi pareho nilang susubukang makuha ako sa panig nila? Haay nako.

Tinuloy ko na lang ang pagkain at inaliw ang sarili sa pag-iisip na ok na ulit ang eating habit ko.

Pero walang anu-ano'y bumigat ang lalamunan ko. Nagnais na bumuka ang bibig, ako'y napatayo at napatakbo sa lababo.

*Sound effects na di mo nais marinig.* Akala ko'y isinuka ko na naman ang buong digestive system ko. Pero mali. Iba to. Ibang-iba.

Namula ang buong kitchen sink. Napuno ng dugo na di mo nanaising malaman kung saan nanggaling. Nanghina ako. Halos hindi ko na nga masuportahan ang sarili sa pagtayo. Tuloy ang labas ng dugo. Sumusuka ako ng dugo sa unang beses sa buong buhay ko. Ang galing.
Syempre, natunugan naman ako ng nanay ko't dali-dali akong sinubukang tulungan. Pero kahit siya'y di malaman ang gagawin. Tinawag nya ang ama ko sa labas na nagliliyab pa rin ang ulo sa init. Tila nawala ata ang galit nya nang makita ako. O baka naman ang lababo. Pero kahit alin man sa amin ng lababo ang nakapag-alis ng galit nya, wala na kong pake. Masyado akong busy noon na sumuka. Pasintabi lamang po sa mga kumakain, pero nakita ko bigla yung puso ko sa drain, inagos na.

Deh, biro lang.

Sinugod nila ako sa ospital. Pero hanep, hanggang sa sasakyan nag-aaway pa rin sila! Kala ko ok na e! Tungkol ata yun sa renta sa bahay. Hindi ko na gaanong inalam. Basta nag-aaway pa sila. Kulang pa ata yung dugong isinuka ko.

Pagdating sa ospital, di ko na nalaman ang nangyari. Sa unang beses sa buong buhay ko, ako'y hinimatay. (Ang daming 'firsts' ngayong gabi!)

~~~

Nagising ako na nakahiga sa isang kwarto, grabeng liwanag. Halos puti ang lahat. Fine, beige yung dingding at hindi puti, pero sobrang aliwalas. Mag-aala-una na ata yun o alas-dos ng umaga. Napansin kong may nakaturok sa kaliwa kong kamay. Hanep. Dekstros. Kinuhaan pa ata ako ng dugo. Kala ko talaga naubos na yun nung nagsuka ako sa kitchen sink e.

Commercial lang, ang galing nito. Ngayon na lang ulit ako nakapunta sa ospital na ang personal na rason ay walang koneksyon sa medical requirements ko sa Pisay o sa kung anong enrollment. Congrats naman. Ok, balik na.

Nakita ko rin yung nanay ko na sobrang problemado, naiiyak pa ata, at naka-yakap sa tatay ko. Ang galing! Bati na ba sila? Ewan. Unang beses kong nakitang magkayakap sila. (Pero di R18 na yakap ha, mahalay na yun.) Pero basta natuwa ako. Napagdesisyunan ko tuloy na pumikit na lang muli at matulog. Kunwari di pa ko nagkakamalay.

Pero di ako nagbibiro pag sinabi kong natuwa talaga ako sa pagmulat ko na yun. Ang sayang pagmasdan ng mga magulang ko, magkasama, nagdadamayan, di na nag-aaway. Wala nang giyera, sabi ko nga.

Kala daw nila mamamatay na ko. OA naman. parang sumuka lang ng ilang litro ng dugo e. Talaga tong mga magulang ko, parang cartoons. Buti na lang at buhay pa nga ako para masaksihan ang kanilang pagiging cartoons sa mundo.
Napangiti ako. Buhay ako't buo kami. Ang galing.

Nung pauwi na kami, napaisip tuloy ako. Ang saya ko talaga. Ang saya na buo ang pamilya mo. Ang saya-saya.
Naisip ko na malamang, kahit ilang litro pa ulit ng dugo ang ipasuka sa kin ni God, wag lang mawawala tong pamilya na to, ayos lang. Kakayanin. Ako pa.

In fairness, God, ang galing mo talaga. Akala ko rin, sa isang punto sa aking bloody moment, mamamatay na ko. Hindi pa ko nakakakita ng ganun karaming dugo sa isang gabi sa buong buhay ko ha! Salamat sa pagliligtas mo sa kin. Salamat sa pag-aayos mo sa mga magulang ko. Salamat sa kasiyahan. At salamat at nakapagsulat na akong muli.Salamat at lagi kang nandyan. Kahit ilang systems pa ang iluwa ko, wag mo kaming iiwan ha?
Mahal kita.

+ + +

Kung fiction to o hindi, bahala na kayo. Basta masaya ako at nagpapasalamat talaga ako kay God. At morbid ako forever. :D

[ Haay. finally, nakapag-net na ulit. Buti na lang at ayos na ang pc pagka-uwi ko. :D ]
R01apr07.

*Ang Ampid ay isang barangay (?) sa San Mateo, Rizal na madadaanan kung galing kang Batasan. Ang susunod na barangay ay ang Guitnang Bayan 1, kung saan kami'y nakatira. :D Taga-Ampid si Conix. Haha. Wala lang.

hey, merry christmas.

2006-12-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

christmas to a suicidal freak.

you look for him, yet you can't find
you talk to him, but you can't hear a reply
nothing could make you feel more empty.
nothing but this feeling of separation from the great one

christmas isnt really about a christmas tree or santa claus or greeting 'happy holidays'
no, its not about those pagan things
its not about writing 'merry Xmas' on gifts to give
why celebrate without the 'Christ' in 'merry christmas'?

many seem to have forgotten what its really about
its actually about remembering the birthday
of the child who was born to die for our sins
christmas is about christ, and no other

many have forgotten
well, i havent
but this year i seek to have him in my heart
for lately i cannot feel
lately i feel so empty

empty prayers that dont seem to contain anything but words
empty actions that seem to contain muscle movement alone
emptiness is about not having him there
or at least feeling so

perhaps i have given into too much of the world
the material world which makes me dream
the material world which makes me complete only on the surface
the material world which i want to escape

this christmas, i try to find him once again
we've been there, we've been close
but my materialism has sucked out the good in me
i dont want christmas to be this empty.

R24dec06.

rant text

2006-12-23T10:04:00.000+08:00

I can't express myself enough to let go of all the hatred inside.
I guess I'm back to where I started.
Back to nothing. Back to feeling all the sadness and angst.
You thought I was ok. I thought I was doing well.
Well, I guess we all thought wrong.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite.
Maybe I'm living in lies.
Maybe I'm not doing any better than ever.
I drown in sadness. I have submerged myself in[to] a fake reality of illusions.
I guess I tricked myself well.
I am back to my old self. [That is,] if I ever had one.

I'm suicidal.
Congratulations.

My brain is deteriorating.
I live in panic and fear.
I live in illusions and impossible dreams.
I live and believe that I am me. But I dont know me.
For years I seeked.
For years I tried to attain a goal: To know myself. Who I really am. [And my purpose.]
[But] I never really succeeded.
My brain can't compensate the postulate and given truth that change is constant.
I can't handle changes.
I am way too slow and out of pace.

I can't finish a damn song.
I can't forget about a damn past.
In all aspects I am a liar.
To you. And to me.
I do not know what to believe in, and how to believe.
I am uncertain.
I am afraid. Afraid of finding out what lies ahead, and even though they may answer my questions, I CANNOT LET GO OF THE FEAR.
And so I hide.
And so I'd rather die.

I used to believe that there is something good in everything.
Well, I hate everything and I don't know why.
Perhaps I have acquired a phobia so damn weird nobody has a solution [to it].
I am reaching my rock bottom point.
I need help and I can't help myself. [I do not know how.]
I am fully submerged in nothingness.
All I want to do is disappear and free myself from all pain.
I am afraid of pain.
But pain is good.

[I just feel so empty inside.]

[This is what happens when the fairy godmother of optimism loses her powers.
This is what happens when prayers start feeling empty.
This is the product of sht.]

[But I don't want to die.
So save me before I do.]

I am suicidal.
Congratulations.

R22-23dec06.

trauma

2006-12-14T22:27:00.000+08:00

wake up. love isn't =pain. wake up.
there is so much more.
wake up.

R14dec06.

ipit ipit

2006-11-19T23:55:00.000+08:00

ang hirap. ang gulo. good luck naman sa atin.

ang problema, naaayos. kaya yan. keep yourself strong. :)

R20nov06.

jpplp

2006-11-11T12:32:00.000+08:00

i downright hate that guy.
oh please, don't be fooled.
shit.
the wrath just won't disappear. he made life a living hell.
THAT was too long ago, pero. shit. don't get fooled. sayang eh.
sayang talaga.
or baka masyado akong umasa.
pag una nga naman. the inocents suffer.

YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.
i played my part, you played your game.

anything else?

R11nov06.

came, saw, conquered.

2006-10-29T14:10:00.000+08:00

"stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
it's when things seem worst that you musn't quit."

not everything in life turns out the way you wanted, nor planned them to be, but when you try your best to accept it with a smile, execute things as smoothly as possible, and make out the most of it, you'll do fine.
great even.

ako, no regrets.
those two days were full of challenges, and i'm proud to say that i lived up to how rai described me -- a little girl in the big world, not afraid to take one big leap at a time. she conquers unbounded territories.

salamat, Lord! thank You for being there all the way. :)

this time, wala talagang 'what if's' at 'could have been's'..

that was THAT. :)

R29oct06.

yahooo!

2006-10-24T20:40:00.000+08:00

i feel so heartbroken.

to think that it took me a billion years to finally have the courage to ask that question to that person straight forward -- yahoo deleted it.
yey. hooray for fucking errors.
all the effort. gone.
first it was the loosing of stipends for those clothing for project runway. then came the non-exsistence of the lloooooong novel email to her. and most of all, the efforts to ask her that - gone. GONE.
:(

happy birthday.
R24oct06.

to meee

2006-10-24T19:30:00.000+08:00

lalalala ~

let's forget about tomorrow and move on with the 26th.

'happy birthday' isn't so happy.
and i'm not even sure why.

:)

R24oct06.

mimertney

2006-10-02T01:29:00.000+08:00

woah. ang drama pala. XP

+ + +

ang galing talaga ni Lord. He has His was of making you feel loved just when you start feeling empty. :)

thank You po talaga. :)

R02oct06.

after two years

2006-10-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure.

My life wasn't exactly brilliant before you came along. But in a nutshell, you saved me from insanity. Just when I was on the verge of breaking down, giving up and all that, there was you ~ poking my back while I am in line for lunch, or appearing out of nowhere to sit with me at the library, or cracking jokes, or telling stories of different topics while waving your hands or something, and just being there, giving me something incomparable to anything else.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won't lose no sleep on that,

'Cause I've got a plan.

And you were the first being who taught me how to control jealousy. And how to test the self big time.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

But then again, I was always in this beautiful nightmare. The utopia of all that I ever dreamed of was to fall the moment I wake up, and I can never go back. All was perfect, all was good. But all had to end.
Do I have my faith to blame?

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

Fucking high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

But mortals can't live in heaven forever.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw you face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

I have always thought of what-if's and could-have-been's, only to look for the possibility of forever's existence. But hard as it has always been, there was nothing to find. And there was nothing to keep but memories.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

After two years of forgetting and trying, here I am saying that I miss you.
But I have decided to take half a step forward.

Maybe there isn't always hope.

R01oct06.

(ngek, na-inspire ba ako ni mr jodel at napagawa ako ng entry? deh, eksakto lang sa timing ng senti mode. [haha.. defensive.])

punta tayong nevereverever land.

2006-08-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

for every entry here, i almost talk about a different topic, "talk" to different people. or even for every section of the entries. or even for every paragraph. or even for every line. or word? haha. labo. anyway, gusto ko lang sabihin yun.

+ + +

i talked to her last week. pagkatapos ng huwazaaap!'s (we don't normally say hi or hello. we scream huwazaaap each time -- or at least she does. i only do so when she's too sad or sleepy to.) ay sinabihan niya ko ng:
"bakit ka tumawag? miss mo na ko no?"

hindi nya siguro alam na sineryoso ko yun kahit pabiro nya lang sinabi. at shempre, the usual na ko, pabiro ko ring sinabi sa kanya na "oo, bakit? masama ba?" tapos tawanan. sabi nya, "hindi kita namiss." at sandali lang daw siya sa phone dahil perio na nila. perio din naman namin ah. first time ata yun na di kami inabot ng 1am sa telepono.

nakakainis. alam mo yung pakiramdam na yun? na feeling mo di ka importante sa isang taong importante sa yo? i get that feeling quite often these days. at frustrating kasi baka naman nagffeeling ka lang na importante ka in anyway -- na malay mo, hindi ka naman pala importante at all so wala kang karapatang humingi ng feeling na importante ka. ewan. ang labo. basta, ganun.

ewan ko. hindi ko kasi maisip na nagbibiro lang siya. there was something different sa huling pag-uusap namin, compared to the other talks that we have had in the past. but don't get me wrong, masaya pa rin siyang kausap, may personal stuff ding napag-usapan, bagong nalaman.. blah.. pero. may iba eh. parang may kulang. dapat siguro di na lang ako nag-expect na sobrang machcheer-up ako ng pag-uusap namin. dapat hindi ako nag-expect na gagaan ang loob ko dahil nakausap ko siya. di porket ganun dati ay ganun pa rin ngayon. she just. changed. into probably someone i dont know. or maybe i did. or maybe we both changed and failed to keep track. ewan. parang ang layo na niya. sobraaang layo.

ganun din the last time na nagkita kami, which was months ago. may sakit ako nun. but then again, she decided to go with ~~ at literally ay iniwan niya ko. oa ako eh, kaya nagrereklamo ako. nasaan na yung doggy dar kong hindi ako iniiwan? yung super hyper na sa bawat beses na makausap ko ay biglang gumagaan ang lahat? nasaan na?

ewan ko. sana paranoid lang ako. sana mali lang ako. sana hindi siya nawawala. sana hindi ako nagkukulang. sana. ewan ko. baka naman ako ang sobrang nagbago. ewan ko talaga. im confused. raaaah.

ayoko kasing mawala yung bestfriend ko. :'(

+ + +

am i doing something so wrong?

+ + +

so what happens when the only person on earth that you have always held on to leaves you? wala lang. weird enguleesh kwestyon. ang drama eh. hahaha. hahahahaha.
hahahahahahhahhahahaha.
T_T

+ + +

ayokong papuntahin ang mom ko sa family day. at lalo na yung dad ko. ayokong makuha ang report card ko for this quarter. i know i'll be getting some *BAD* grades. hindi ko yun sinasadya. ayoko na. i better wear a helmet. i might hit rock bottom soon. (weh~ kontrahin.. ok.. bangag side..)

ayokong makita ng parents ko ang grades ko. tapos babawi ako next quarter. then pwede na nilang makita ang card ko. para ma-cancel yung bad side, di ba? ewan. pfft.
naiinis ako. i have let them down again. grrrrrr. this is what angers me the most.

as if posibleng di kunin ng nanay ko yung card na yun.

+ + +

im too tired of pondering on those words.. im too tired to hink more about those thoughts. i just want to turn my back, run away, and not worry about it. pero hindi ako ganun. abnormal para sa akin ang tumakas na lang. the things that i run away from always come haunting me over and over. so i want to get done with this and breathe. pero ayoko na. too much pressure. ayoko na. nalulungkot lang ako. ayoko na. ayoko nang maalala.

+ + +

move on and move up. help.

+ + +

life can be so frustrating at times. pero anyway. krishna, think: pre-requisites.

minsan hindi ko lang talaga maalala kung anong gusto ko. kung anong pinaniniwalaan ko. kelangan kong i-charge ang aking sarili. (bzzzt. bzzzt. huh?)

bakit may mga taong sobrang lakas ng faith? saan ba nanggagaling yun?

+ + +

kaya ko to. :)
R15aug06.

and roars

2006-08-14T00:27:00.000+08:00

somebody tell me -- oa ba ako masyado? na tipong wala namang saysay ang laman ng blogs ko an siya rin namang kadalasang laman ng utak ko.. na.. ewan.. baka senseless lang naman lahat ng iniisip ko at dapat tigilan ko na lang dahil sayang naman ang oras. ang labo. pfft.

+ + +

para sa clucking dude -- kung nabasa mo ang previous entry, let me know. you can comment about it here or "personally", or simply tell me, "hoy butiki." gusto ko lang malaman.

+ + +

shucks. dapat talaga hindi ako nabbore eh. or nagsstay up nang ganito ka-late at walang kausap. nababangag ako eh. para na akong lasheeng. pfft.

shet. bakit ko ba laging ginagamit ang 'pfft'? yunba ay ang warning gas ng tae o wala lang? basta, ang alam ko, una kong nakuha yan nung nagkaroon kami ng hand-out sa compsci3 (under sir anton!) at may nakalagay na 'pfft.' attribute at natawa naman ako. so yan, nagstick sa akin. (ah.. so kaya ko pala ginagamit ang pffft...)

+ + +

ayoko na makita yung sunsilk (tama bang brand?) commercial na may jingle na "babaeng uy! ay!..." kamukha kasi ng guy doon yung guy na nakatabi ko sa jeep last week. yung pesteng nilalang na yun na grabe rumespeto ng dignidad at katawan ng iba. anak ng tae. (eeew..)
ang paniniwala ko pa man din ay mga seksi lang ang ginaganun.. at hindi naman ako seksi so i feel safe. pero anak talaga ng tae. akala ko malubak lang talaga yung daanan eh, so pinalampas ko. pero the moment na di ko na talaga kaya, kunwari inayos ko yung skirt at bag ko, at nakita ko yung mga tae niyang kamay.

shit. hindi naman seksi legs ko ah. bakit gusto mong hawakan? tae ka. lalo na yung hips ko. pwet ka. tapos wala ka na palang katabi na iba, ako pa sinisiksikan mo. anak ka ng tae. shit. hindi kita makakalimutan kasi hindi mo ko ako ginalang at lalong hindi ko ginagalang ang ginawa mo. shet. respeto naman. tinago mo pa yung kamay mo sa isang polo. shit. kung alam mo lang, handa na akong saksakin ka ng mahiwaga kong black ballpen. anak ka ng tae. (fine, rerespetuhin ko nanay mo. hindi ka anak ng tae. TAE KA!)

ayun. actually, hindi ako natakot. nagalit ako. AT, pag baba ko pa ng jeepney (at ako na talaga yung huling lumabas ng jeep dahil ako ang may pinakamalayong destinasyon sa lahat ng sumakay doon..) ay sinusundan niya ako. and to think na may dadaanan pa akong madilim na parte ng street noon bago makarating sa meeting place namin ng tatay ko. shit talaga. mula nang gabing yun, sa bawat pagsakay ko ng jeepney ay ang pagmamasid sa mga mukha ng pasahero ang una kong ginagawa. pag nakita ko siya ulit. nako. we'll see. nakakainis talaga. magdadala na nga ako lagi ng scissors. pwet.

ganun pa man, gusto ko pa rin ang magcommute. at gusto ko pa rin ng at least 4-pack abs. seksi na yun. yun lang. walang maniac creature on the loose.

+ + +

anyway, feeling ko hindi pa ako prepared sa practical exams bukas sa webdev. haha. siguro super simple lang yun sa iba, pero. ewan ko. i'll try. XD ayaw magwork ng ginawa kong website dito sa bahay eh. aahh. sana magwork bukas.

+ + +

nako. this friday na ang last day ng submission ng ateneo forms. pfft. sinabi ko na kasi sa nanay ko na wag na lang ako mag-apply doon eh. tsk. wala pa kaya kong essay. ayoko gumawa ng essay. pero gagawa ako bukas. kasi kelangan. grr.

+ + +

sige na nga, matutulog na ako.
R14aug06.

clucks

2006-08-13T13:57:00.000+08:00

life on earth is just like being inside the womb of a woman. you are technically not born yet, but you *somehow* exist. think of yourself as a smart-ass fetus. you have been given the choice of whether you would want to live or not. to live, you have to fulfill some pre-requisites.
you have to be good. you have to follow God's will. you have to listen to Him. you have to sacrifice and live as God tells you.if you fail to complete those pre-requisites, you won't be born, you won't get to experience a happy life.
you'll go to hell.

everything on this earth is a pre-requisite. sacrifices have to be done in order to get yourself in a very happy place -- so happy you can't imagine it.
everyhting on earth is temporary. you have to look forward and take the ticket to heaven as something very essential.

+ + +

once in a while, it makes me awfully sad to remember you and the happy days that we had. it feels so sad not to be able to be as happy as, or even happier than,those lovers who hold each other's hand, walk together, talk freely to each other, embrace, and just have someone that you know will always be there for you. i want to tell you that itstill is painful and nothing could ever match it. you are one of the most important people in my life; a big part of me exists because of you, and i thank you for that.so maybe i loved you after i told you it's done.

now i look at this as something that i must go through. i have to move on and this is just one of the many pre-requisites that i have to complete for my ticket.

i now remember why i did what i did. i didn't want you to fall deeper into sin because of me. i didn't want you to go to hell because of me, and vice versa. i wanted you to be clean for God. i wanted Him to also live within you. i wanted you to get what i thought was best for you, and i still do.
if only i could have Him AND you, i would choose that option. but hard as it is, i have to choose one.i want to tell you that in this freak is somebody who loves you deeply, and wants what is best for you.

i thought you made the same promise to change, as i did, so i get frustrated each time i hear about "her" -- your new her.i thought i was successful that i made you closer to Him.
i now do not know what to think.

why don't we actually start moving on? or perhaps you have.
i haven't.

+ + +

do you know how it is to feel unimportant to the most important person in your life?

+ + +

i don't get it -- why does she want me to change the way that i look, the way that i dress myself, the way i do things?
do i really have to change the external to change the internal?

can't i be me in the process?

+ + +

so maybe i can't change overnight.

+ + +

i now know what F5 does in notepad. haha. and im gonna use it. :))
.krishna - 1:50 PM 8/13/06

photon

2006-06-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

i'm ranting again.
honestly, i don't feel so good about my fourth year section. basically, si AJ at Rai na ata ang pinaka-ka-close ko dun. sigh. super new people. it's not that i don't want to meet other people pero.. gusto ko sanang maging kaklase ang marami sa mga di ko kaklase.. ni isa nga sa mga 'kapatid' ko sa school ay hindi ko kaklase. sad. grr. grr. how come a lot of people are with the people that they want to be with..? grr.
shet. gusto ko sa electron. or grav. or tau. :(( wahaa.
poink.
although i am lucky that Rai will be my classmate again (but i'm not so sure if she feels the same way. well, hopefully ^^).. mabuhay ang aming str! sana may balak pa syang ituloy yun with me.. dahila ko, may balak na ituloy ang 3rd year str.. may prelim exp results na.. kahit mabaho ang kamias, ayos lang.. haha..
arrrrr. sana makatulog ako tonight. last night iniisip ko rin ang pesteng sectioning na yan..
TEKA! there is hope! may elective pa! wooooo~ pede ko pang maging kaklase si.. at si .. at si.. at si... at si.. at si.. rin! and the list goes on.
oh well, hindi ko nga naman pedeng maging kaklase lahat ng kaibigan ko sa pisay along with the others na gusto ko pang makilala..
bahala na. life goes on.
i just wish that my last year in Pisay will be a good one. besides, di lang naman sa mga kaklase umiikot ang buhay sa school, di ba?
sana rin maisip ko na kung ano ba talaga ang kukunin ko sa college.. or at least ma-fill-up-an na nang maayos ang UP forms ko.. sigh. thank God for 'second choices'..
at sana. makabalik na kami sa team.

bless us, Lord. magiging masaya na lang ako.. at aasa.. maniniwala..
thank God for hope. :)

-krishna.

loop

2006-05-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

i always find it hard to talk to my mom. i feel bad almost everytime i talk to her. no, she's not an evil mom. i'm the evil kid who would never want to listen to what she has to say. i try hard, i really do. i just don't understand why i can't listen to her for a long time.

sometimes, i just don't want to speak to her. maybe because almost each time i do, words just don't come out right. after saying someting, i'd usually bite my lips, realizing the wrong words that i have said. evil, yes i am. maybe.

don't get me wrong -- my mom and i sometimes tell stories, how our day went, some jokes, and all that. sometimes.

but most of the time, she talks to me about the time that i should eat. that i should not skip meals. that other things can go after i eat. i want to tell her that my system doesn't like going for the time that the clock shows. i have my own body clock -- i eat when it's time for me to get hungry or something. also, i can't leave something that i am doing just like that -- when i do something, i prefer finishing it first rather than having a break in the middle of it. when my thoughts come to a pause, sometimes it just goes to a stop. i take breaks and eat when i know i cannot go on any longer with work. i do know my limits. my stomach depends not on a stupid clock on the wall. nobody knows my stomach better than me.

she talks to me about my usage of the computer. she says all that i do is go online, waste money by buying internet cards, chat all day, email, and do nothing worthwhile. i want to tell her that sometimes, i need my friends to talk to. she just didn't grow up in the computer-madness time. i want to tell her that sometimes, i use the computer to submit something, or work on a school requirement with somebody. my internet usage isn't all fun, you know. although, yes, i do use the net for leisure most of the time. but that is not a reason for her to generalize. for all i know, i am getting bored with the net. it's just a coincidence that she always see me in front of the computer when i use it, and not when i don't. she thinks i live infront of the computer every minute. maybe.

and then she talks to me about grades. about how terrible i've been. hey, i'm still not failing big time. just because i didn't do so well last year in this subject doesn't mean i'm failing in everything. i am still not like that, and i will not allow myself to be. she tells me that i should do this and that, that i should keep on reviewing. every single summer day. and a lot more to top it all off.yes, mom. i experienced how hard it was to fail, what it feels like, and the thoughts that goes to your head as a result. i was slapped in the face by the reality and i now know how to plan for the future -- or at least i'm trying to. i know what i should do, and i don't have to be whipped in the face by reminders over and over, everyday. i do review, i do study. after all that had happened, how will i ever allow myself to go soo damn easy on myself? i'm trying to do something. don't rush nor push me too hard. it's squishing me. just keep on believing and praying for me, and i'll do my best. believe. please.

and just a while ago, she mention that things aren't the way they used to be. that i shouldn't go too easy on myself like i used to in elementary. back then, even if i do not study, i pass. no, i do not only pass. i excel. oh those days -- gone. life's hard. yeah, it is. i learned that first-hand. now, i'm in highschool. i'm nearly going to college. pfft. she mentioned that a while ago. and it brought me to tears. a sentence that told me that i am going to college made me cry. imagine that.

why? am i too afraid to go to college? am i too afraid to grow up? why am i afraid, if i am? is there anything to fear in the first place?

maybe i am afraid..

i'm too sad to continue this entry.

i'm sorry mom. i'm sorry that i find it hard to tell you that i really am.
.reish

she's addicted

2006-05-29T19:11:00.000+08:00

Oh come on, PAIRO! You have someone already? Oh come on..

Haha. Putek. This is why i hate finding someone so good, I'd bow down to him if only I wasn't Catholic. (I shall trully bow down to my one and only Lord alone ^^) Damn.

This pyro guy I found somewhere in DA is gooood. Sheesh. How come I can't draw like him? How come? How come? Oh yeah, I only go for abstract these days.. allowing the hands to go on freely and scribble on stuff. I stopped "drawing" or actually sketching stuff a long time ago, especially the anime-type or realistic ones. I only draw people, animals, maybe trees and such when I am forced to by homework, other school stuff, or something else.
Wait -- come to think of it, I have just drawn my FIRST realistic portrait drawing completely out of crayons the other day. There was this purple girl with green shadings that I have imagined in blahblah world. It had this brown (and a glimpse of pink) background with guitars, a painter, a window, rain and a poster of the same girl. Hahah! So I CAN draw! wooo~
But still not as good as that pyro guy. His drawings were sooo cute ^^,
Idol! :D

Although, he doesn't believe in God *i think* and heaven, nor hell.. ewan. But he's good nonetheless. *_*

And just last week, I saw this film that I was never interested in -- *tundun* Lord of the Rings. Yep, I was never interested in it.. but then - WAH! Ampogi ni Legolas! hahahahahah~ :)) lol.

Ohowkey.. girly/kikay mode OFF.

It's time to continue that flyer proposal that I am supposed to submit tomorrow. I never asked to be the P.A.L.S. documentary and publicity head >_< Man.. it's too much work for a kid..

Wish us luck with the catechism! ;)

Stop the pyromaniac addiction.
.krishna.x

para sa unan

2006-04-20T20:47:00.000+08:00

namimiss kita. ewan ko kung binabasa mo to, pero bahala na. namimiss kita. at gusto ko lang sabihin.

sana meron din akong happiness-bringing powers.. how come kahit wala akong sinasabi may nagagawa kang paraan para matulungan ako?

isang ngiti..

salamat. :)

kausapin mo naman ako pag balik mo. nung huling beses pakiramdam ko nakatabi lang kita sa jeep tapos bumaba rin kaagad.. di ko pa nga nabigay yung xmas gift ko dahil may kasama ka naman..

pero salamat. :) isang malaking salamat..

.ako, sino pa? ^^

insanity

2006-04-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

pag napakinggan ko na ang tulog na at iba pang kinakanta nya noon nang hindi napapatigil dahil may alaalang binabalikan, dun ko malalaman na nakawala na ako sa sarili kong bitag.

someday.

sana malapit na..

.reish

oh hail, insomnia.

2006-04-02T01:29:00.000+08:00

grabe. kakain na lang ako ng tsokolateng unan bago matulog para mamatay sandali ang mood swing. teka, so di mamamatay ang mood swing kung sandali lang. maghahibernate lang yun. ohwell. ayos na rin, para makatulog na ako.

lately lagi na lang akong natutulog ng past 1, 2 3, 4, umaabot pa nga ng 5 am. eh di sana di na lang ako natulog. isang oras na lang, humigit kumulang, eh sunrise na. at least masasksihan ko ang pagsikat ng araw, kahit na ba hindi naman talaga lumulubog o sumisikat ang araw, nagrorotate lang kasi tayo. pesteng illusion.

haha. tama ba namang pati rotation ng earth eh pag-initan? nerdong patalo. this is what pisay has made me. haha. labo. joke lang, pisay. game, tumawa ka na.

freaky yun.

obvious bang bangag na ko? its damn 2am. inaantok na yung mata ko pero parang on the go pa rin ang utak ko. plus the fingers, duh, obvious ba, di nga makatigil magtype eh. alam nyo ba yung feeling na nakapikit ka pero hindi ka makatulog kahit anong pilit dahil parang yung utak mo ay marami pang thoughts na iniisip? ganun lagi ang nangyayari sa akin. lets call it insomnia, dahil inaabot ako ng at least an hour sa bawat beses na pilitin kong makatulog at nakapikit na the whole time. bad trip lang, pag success ang pagpilit ko sa sistema kong makatulog, pagka-gising ko sa umaga, ang pakiramdam ko ay para bang di ako natulog. yehey. tulog na nga lang, deprived ka pa.

naisip ko na yung gagawin ko tungkol sa problema ko sa loneliness blah. pero di ko na lang sasabihin dito. basta, ok na yun, maipapasa ko na ang test na yun. its a test of faith. kaya yan. shinjiru. :)

pero gutom na ako. inaantok pa nag mata. pero gusto kong magjogging. tapos kumain ng double dutch na ice cream, pero libre. tapos sobrang dami. plus chocolate chip cookies. heaven. pero shempre, saan pa ako makakakuha ng heaven na yun sa oras na to di ba?

take a day at a time. live each day as if it will be your last.

kung ganun, i-huhug ko na ang lahat ng puno sa mundo. 'save mother earth!'

teka, anlabo. bangag na nga ako.

ayos lang sa akin ang di matuloy sa ek, iniisip ko lang yung nararamdaman ng taong yun. sigh. paano naman kaya ako makakatulong? o ano kayang kaya kong sabihin o gawin na makakapagpa-cheer up sa kanya? haay. tulong, Lord..

how come may mga taong parang walang buto?

wala lang.

plans for may: (may na lang, april kasi ay ipon-lakwa-kahit-ano month ko. siguro.)
* milo level 2 - kelangan ko ng training, namimiss ko na eh. nakakatamad naman magtrain mag-isa.
* tuloy ang internship sa phivolcs. pero two weeks na lang. first two weeks - then comes the stips! yey. muhahaha.
* tuloy ang review classes? kung i-eenrol ako ng nanay ko sa study center in the first place. - pero shempre, magrereview na rin ako on my own. nakakabulok at nakakabobo sa bahay tapos wala ka lang ginagawa.
* a day for kat. :) meoww.. promises.
* may darating :) nagpromise sha.
* bili ng kahon. *cross fingers* or gitara. or bongos. or baka phone, pero malabo yun. nabubuhay naman ako ng walang phone ah.

grabe, ok, time to hibernate for a few hours. haha. ilang oras lang ang hibernation hours ko. baka mga 12 a day. :D

yakk, labo. ito na ata ang pinaka-bangag na entry ko sa blog na to. haha.

hindi ako depressed. :)

-krishna.02apr05.

grabe, inabot ako ng eypril 2 sa katatayp ng entri na to. huwaw. gud morneng.

shinjiru! :)

2006-03-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

yey, new hope.

nalaman kong kelangan kong maging 17 next year para makuha ang isang scholarship grant na nahanap ko sa ilang oras ng pagreresearch. nung unang beses kong nabasa yun, nadepress ako. sobra. tapos sinabi ko yun kay twin. sabi nya, sabi ng mom nya, ganun talaga sa japan. then i felt happy. ewan kung bakit. yey, di ako makakapag-apply this year. next year na lang, have to wait til im 17. grabe.

di ko gets kung bakit ako natuwa. siguro dahil nalaman kong pati mom ni twin naghintay muna na maging 17 sya para mag-aral sa japan. :) isang year of college muna sa pinas *cross fingers, UP!* then off to the land of sakura! yey. *cross arms, kyushu!* isa pa sigurong rason kung bakit ako natuwa ay dahil sa nabawasan ang utak ko ng isang major na bagay para isipin. di ko pa rin talaga alam kung bakit ba ako super interesado dito. pero ganun eh. so lagi kong iniisip lately, tipong kagigising ko pa lang, nasa isip ko na. sigh. labo talaga. pero next year na lang. yeah, next year. :)

i just feel so relaxed. ewan ko ba.

ngayon, may isa pa akong taon para isipin kung gusto ko ba talaga sa japan mag-aral. weird naman kasi, para akong tinamaan ng asteroid of thought na dun mag-aral. lupit na kalabuan, pero ganun talaga. wala pa akong makuhang reasonable reason *muhaha* kung bakit ako may interes dun. ohwell. one year to think and prepare, it feels much better. :)

sa mga nag-encourage sa kin, pati sa mga *unexpectedly, or di lang talaga nila namalayan..* nagdiscourage sa kin, salamat. :)

ang labo ko talaga. yey! shinjiru! *BELIEVE.*

-krishna.31mar06.

ha?

2006-03-27T01:12:00.000+08:00

nalungkot ako bigla.

kaya ko ba talagang mag-aral sa Japan? di ko gets ngayon kung bakit ko ba to naisip in the first place. pero alam kong gusto ko. Tokyo or Kyoto University. well, sana. first I have to learn Jap all over again this summer. sana matuloy. kaya to. :)

kung di naman maabot ang japan, gusto ko pa rin sa UP. :) go uP! muhehe. :)

kaya to. hold on.

yahti

2006-03-26T13:43:00.000+08:00

you have been blinded by what you thought is right. but not all that you think is right truly is. i bet you dont see the underlying force that they try to excert. you're too blind. and i hate you for that.

di mo kasi alam ang pinagdadaanan namin. di mo alam kung anong mga ginagawa namin. di mo siguro gets kung anong ibig sabihin ng passion. at ng sitwasyon na minsan may gusto ka, pero di ka lang talaga magaling, so sinusubukan mo pa rin kahit sobrang bagal ng improvement. wala naman yun sa bilis ng pag-improve. nasa determination yun. tanga ka lang. oo, tanga ka. galit ako sa yo. hindi mo alam kung anong pakiramdam ng iniinsulto ng ganyan.

pag nagkaroon ng evil effect ang sinabi mo sa kapatid ko, ikaw lang ang sisisihin ko.

you have been blinded, and i am so damn angry at you for that. do not allow this to go on.

i hate you.

i confess.

2006-03-24T00:16:00.000+08:00

ang galing talaga ng v for vendetta. may special thing sa letter ni valerie (tama ba?) para sa kin. wala lang.

narealize ko, at ready na akong aminin sa sarili, ang problema ko. na hindi ko naman sinasabi kahit kanino, kasi ang alam ko, wala namang makakintindi, wala namang makakatulong sa pag-ayos nito.

tulad ng nasa results ng colorquiz.com (its not that naka-base ang lahat ng to sa results ng test na yun, nagkataon lang na magkatugma sila ng realizations ko.) una, nagsisink in sa akin unti-unti ang failures na naexperience ko dulot ng kapabayaan. ngayon ko to tinatanggap, kung kelan may naisip na ako sa gusto kong mangyari sa buhay ko. dati kasi, wala lang akong paki kung pumangit ang records ng acads ko, ngayon, iba. dati, hinayaan ko lang na tumigil ako sa pagtugtog ng gitara at sa pag-aaral ng bagong mga kanta o kung ano pa man, ngayon nalulungkot ako na halos walang pinagbago sa kung anong kaya ko noong unang panahon pa. ngayon ko naiisip na dapat hindi ako tumigil sa ballet. na dapat hindi ko pinigilan ang mga kamay ko na magsulat at magdrowing. na dapat hindi ko inisip na malaking gambala sa pag-aaral ang passion for arts ko, kahit na ba pinabayaan ko lang din ang pag-aaral ko. mashado nang malaki ang nawala. mashado na akong maraming napalampas. pero ayos lang, kung gugustuhin ko, kaya ko. it's all a test of faith, and real strength. kaya kong bumawi, at gagawin ko yun.

pangalawang problema. amin na. im missing someone im not suppsed to miss this way. im longing for somebody im not supposed to long for. i have turned my back on this before, and im not supposed to turn around again. dito ako nahihirapan. ayoko na talaga. bakit ganito? may iba na sa picture, at mali pa to. bakit ngayon pa? bakit bumabalik? nakakainis. maybe i have been watching too much tv. the media shows too much of how much people need to be loved, too much of how happy people are when somebody they love love them back, of how joyful it is to the soul to have someone love you and you alone. I already have God, loving me just soo much, the way He loves everybody else. THAT should be too much for me, and it is. God's love is so much more than anything else that i could ever wish for. but why this feeling? why feel like asking for something not worth anything but bliss, short-lived happiness? why? WHY? help me, God. i wish not to feel this way any longer. i wish not to long for her this way. make me clean.

nothing is coincidence, so what's up with this hassle?

.krishna.23mar06.

pero ayos lang.

2006-03-23T11:36:00.000+08:00

kinuha ko rin yung test sa colorquiz.com, accurate nga. wala lang.
eto yung results nung isang gabi:

Your Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources
Suppresses her innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that she might be carried away by it only to find herself pursuing some will-o'-the-wisp. Feels she has been misled and abused and has withdrawn to hold herself cautiously aloof from others. Keeps a careful and critical watch to see whether motives towards her are sincere--a watchfulness which easily develops into suspicion and distrust.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to protect herself against her tendency to be too trusting, as she finds it is liable to be misunderstood or exploited by others. Is therefore seeking a relationship providing peaceful and understanding intimacy, and in which each knows exactly where the other stands.

Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.

eto naman yung kanina..

krishna's Existing Situation
Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

krishna's Stress Sources
The tenacity and strength of will necessary to contend with existing difficulties has become weakened. Feels overtaxed, worn out, and getting nowhere, but continues to stand her ground. She feels this adverse situation as an actual tangible pressure which is intolerable to her and from which she wants to escape, but she feels unable to make the necessary decision.

krishna's Restrained Characteristics
Willing to participate and to allow herself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way of gaining relief. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.
Feels that things stand in her way, that circumstances are forcing her to compromise and forgo some pleasures for the time being.

krishna's Desired Objective
Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. Her own need for approval makes her ready to be of help to others and in exchange she wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which she hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.

krishna's Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She reacts by seeking outside confirmation of her ability and value in order to bolster her self-esteem. Inclined to blame others so that she may shift the blame from herself. Anxiously searching for solutions and prone to compulsive inhibitions and compulsive desires.

yun. natatakot ako. nalulungkot ako. parang may kulang. (hindi to regarding the results.)

-+krishna.23mar06.

stay

2006-03-12T00:14:00.000+08:00

tabulas is down. yey.

today, andaming na-miss ng camera. happy moments na dumaan lang. pero, i realized that it was also good not to capture everything and put them into photographs. memories are much much sweeter simply being thought of. ang saya kanina. :) yung team talaga ay ang isa sa pinakamabibigat na rason kung bakit mahal na mahal ko ang pisay. :) gusto kong sa pisay gumraduate.

be with me, Lord. :)
krishna.x

bad day?

2006-02-26T20:52:00.000+08:00

i feel lost. i feel sad. i feel so lonely.
but i'm not depressed. and i'm not confused.
i'm just lost, that's all.

why do i keep on coming back to this state wherein i just want to find myself, like i've never found out who i really am. i keep on turning my back on the things that i have told myself a million times that 'i believe in'. but everything just keeps on going into a blur. help me. can anyone help me? i'm finding it hard to help myself.

broken beliefs.
shattered hearts.
evil malfunctions.
lonely spirit.
unuplifting thoughts.
damn late requirements.
indecisive self.

but i dont want to affect anybody.
i want to learn how to keep myself in poker mode, like, nobody would really know how i feel inside. i won't be lying to people, i just won't tell them how i really feel. :D eat me alive. X(

i just want to get rid of all the sadness, of all the restrictions, of all the failure. fine, most of them at least.

i just feel really down at the moment.
i can't even explain it weel. :(
frstrating.

help me, God. make me believe once more.

***

i wasnt even there for him when i guess he finally needed me, just someone to talk to, just someone who will be there to listen and watch out for you. i wasn't there. i slept! early! ngek. whatareason.

kuya, i'm really sorry. i just wish you'll get your all-time wish soon. and i hope that this time i'll be there for you, not sleeping just because i was damn tired and lazy to sit down and finish my homework.

***

we'll all be happy - soon. :)

we just have to hang on a little longer. :)

-+reish.26feb06.

still sa dreamer

2005-12-25T03:59:00.000+08:00

awake and screaming and dreaming. REiSH. walang pinagbago. wow, a whole month has passed since my last update here. haha. ohwell. doesn't really matter. ^^

merry Christmas, blog. wow. another year with Christ. happy happy birthday dear Jesus! :) i love you! :)

Christmas wishlist? well, di ba dapat before pasko to? hehe.. anyway. cge, MINI wishlist. winks. :)
* laptop
* ipod mini yung puti. or maybe red (havent seen one.) :P
* cd ng eraserheads-anthology, radioactive sago project - (ano latest albu title.?) , parokya ni edgar - halina sa parokya, barbie almalbis - the singles , at cd ng mga kanta ng giniling festival
* red na discman.
* bagong earphones
* green t-shirt. (wala akong green t-shirt. hehe.)
* orange t-shirt (wala rin ako nito.)
* pink t-shirt (yung di mashadong girly ang design, or plain na lang. haha. wala rin akong pink.)
* black tsinelas. yeh.
* neon gree soccer shoes
* red basketball shoes
* pink soccer ball
* purple or orange electric guitar (pede ring puti. with amp na ha? hehe.)
* white acoustic or classical guitar
* drumset. (kahit anong kulay basta more or less, kumpleto!! woohoo!)
* isa pang tv para sa isa pang kwarto sa bahay. yung colored. at flat. yeh.
* bagong mic para sa comp. (nasira ko yung dati. hehe.)
* tsokolate. marami. (preferably yung fruits and nuts ng cadburry)
* sariling room dito sa bahay.
* car. (kahit hindi na s2000. basta kyut.)
* rurouni kenshin ova.s :) (a million big smiles)
* butterfly effect vcd (i've watched this, pero gusto ko lang ng orig copy. :) )
* all episodes of lain. (vdc/ddvd. basta.)
* photoshop installer
* SRL CAMERA!! (desperately nedd and want one. XD)

shempre material pa lahat yan. on the deeper side,

~ happy family. :)
~ peace of mind para kay idol insan.
~ peace of mind para sa lahat ng nangangailangan nun
~ happy Christmas para sa less-fortunate brothers na nakasalubong ko kanina..
~ kawalan ng corruption sa pinas (oh please..)
~ kawalan ng malupit na economic crisis sa pinas
~ better eyesight (material ba to?)
~ to be with my childhood barkada again :)
~ tighter friendships
~ better-thinking mind
~ high grades
~ good singing voice
~ waaay better playing-the-gitara skills
~ band. yeh.
~ gusto kong magkaroon na ako ng dreams and plans for my future. :)
~ STRONGER FAITH.
~ better teaching skills :)
~ be a better ate :) and daughter.
~ courage.
~ happiness.
~ more friends. yung totoo.
~ maging mabait. :)
~ better lay-out making skills.
~ less cacography
~ better artsy skills
~ better lit-writing skills
~ better jokes. haha.
~ good health for my family and friends
~ happiness
~ closeness ulit with addictive person number two.
~ to be with my gradeschool friends again. :)
~ understanding
~ wisdom
~ gumaling na dad ko :)
~ no more paranoia
~ longer patience
~ better playing-the-drums skills
~ sipag at tiyaga! :P
~ that people would never lose hope
~ .. people would never forget about God's love :)
~ (finally, ala miss beauty queen whoever..) WORLD PEACE! XP

basta. merry pasko sa lahat.

smile, people, GOD LOVES YOU. :)

.krishna.x

kahelnasulat

2005-11-26T08:30:00.000+08:00

i had to delete my old template. i really liked it though.. orange + black and stuff.. my computer here at home just doesn't show anything (AT ALL) each time i open this blog. (in case you're still not aware, im talking about this blog -> http://rei-underground.blogspot.com) yet, when i ask people to open my blog, they see everything.. sheesh.

fine, i'll make another template.. someday. pag sinipag. haay. i just had to see my entries. sa blog mismo. haha. -+reish.26nov05.

madeline line

2005-11-15T01:38:00.000+08:00

that's all there is, there isn't anymore.. *arfarf*

dati andali kong naniwala, na kahit may salitang 'seryoso' sa sinabi nya ay dapat alam kong biro pa rin yun. asa pa.
kanina tinanong ko sha kung seryoso na yun. oo daw. oo naman ako. pero ang labo. bakit iba ang pakiramdam ngayon? dahil ba nabiro na ako ng nakakasakit dati? o dahil sa iba pang rason?
dati ko pa gustong mangyari to, pero bakit ngayong anjan na, nakakablanko na isipin. ibang tao pa nga ang mas nasisiyahan para sa kin. ohwell. pano kaya kung humindi ako? wala lang naman yun para sa kanya e. alam kong wala lang yun sa kanya.
pero bakit sinusubukan pa rin.?

ang labo. bangag thoughts lang to na nagsesenti.

::

0301191925.

ang galing mo talaga. never mo kong hindi napangiti. :) salamat.

arf? -+reish.15nov05.

hold on

2005-09-28T19:54:00.000+08:00

it's hard when you feel like you're hanging on to a dangling string.. a string so thin than even the wind could be sharp enough to cut it.

seriously, nadedepress na ako. parang tanga. just a few days ago i was wishing to get hurt and sad and damn depressed, even angry, just to finish this fil3 requirement that contains no happiness in it. // the story that i passed was overflowing with anger and sadness..// yet now.. what's happening?

to me, it seemed like i was hanging on to this damn thin string, showing people smiles and happiness. but happiness wasn't all that i had. it was even the least one that fills me up inside. confessions. iworry about my grades. not again? yes, again. i would definitely not want to fail a subject twice in a year. hell. NO. that CANNOT be. death to my soul. i can say that i do well in my other subjects.. but there's this subject and another one that makes me worry. worry. worry.

what'll happen next?

perhaps i am like this now for i aim at nothing. i have no particular goal. i aim at nothing yet get something. emptiness still exists, though, for nothing can never bring one everything. i believe not. i am just too distracted. i do not know what to aim for, what or where to focus myself on. what is it that i want?

hindi pa rin siguro ako natututong magprioritize.

the string that i was holding on to.. some wind that seemed to be as sharp as a knife had cut it.

today, aside from hiding the confusion that had almost always been here inside, the hopes of a desperate freak had been crushed.

para naman kasing di ko sha kilala di ba.. parang tanga.. alam ko namang may posibilidad na biro lang yun, na kahit sabihin ang salitang 'seryoso' ay hindi pa rin ganun.. tanga talaga. alam ko naman na pag seryoso yung tao, seryoso talaga ang dating nya e.. at malayo sa pagiging seryoso ang pagkakasabi niya. duh. tanga ka ba? asa pa.

"you ok?"

"yeah."

"sure?"

"yeah."

"ok? from the bottom of your heart?"

"uh, no. half-way at least."

"..."

"half-way umasa rin e.."

kaw naman, di ka na mabiro.

aside from those things that i thought i could really handle, came this joke that acted as my string's knife-wind. like a kid, tears ran down the eyes simply because of the thought of being left behind. i thought my dad had gone home or elsewhere simply because i didn't come to the parking lot on time as we had agreed upon. it was that smple, yet it was enough to make me break down. i just had too much stuff bottled up inside. everything was too much for me to handle. i just had to let out what was keeping me from being happy. i didn't cry only because i thought dad had gone home without me, no, that's too light.. but it was heavy enough to make the negativities overflow. di nakayanan eh.

ohwell. move on. move on.

i am strong. i am strong. I AM STRONG. strength is the ability to withstand any obstacle, any storm that life shares with you. strength is when you can stand though almost everything's pulling you down. i am strong. I AM STRONG. kaya ko to.

i am krishna. i am reish. i am STRONG. -+reish.28sept05.

xoi salamat. you never fail to make me smile. salamat. di mo sinasadya siguro, pero salamat talaga.

totoo

2005-08-31T01:48:00.000+08:00

bakit kelangan magpaasakit ng damdamin para sa kung ano ang sinasabing 'tama'? ano ang tama? ano ang totoo?

paano kung wala lang talagang saysay ang mundo? paano kung patungo lang sa katangahan at kawalan ang lahat? paano kung di ko pala kelangang masaktan para dito? pano kung pala natin kelangan magpigil para sa wala lang?

pano kung pwede pala tayo?

pano?

bakit may kalungkutan? bakit hindi tunay na kasiyahan ang laging nananalo? bakit kelangan masaktan?

bakit hindi pwede? bakit hanggang dito na lang?

pero..

bakit, bakit nga ba nagtatanong pa ako? matagal na akong binigyan ng kasagutan.. ayaw lang tanggapin ng di-makaintindi kong utak.. ipinagpipilitan ang di maaari..

dati.. isa akong nilalang na walang pake.. sa kahit ano.. sa kahit anong mangyayari.. walang hinaharap para sa akin.. hindi makikita nag hinaharap.. walang hinaharap.. isang malaking tanga, pero sinong may pake? sa tinawag kong kalayaang yon ay naging masaya ako. sa tinawag kong kalayaang yon ay hindi ako labis na nasasaktan.. walang harang. walang kahit ano. pero, lagi rin akong hindi kumpleto.

ano ang tunay na katotohanan? ano ang katotohanan na totoo para sa lahat? ano?

bata, nasaan ang pananalig mo?

pero kahit wag ka na lang bumalik.. basta ba maabot mo ang tunay na kasiyahan..

nasasaktan ako, at isa yong katothanan para sa kin. naiipit ako, at isa yong katotohanan para sa akin. ninanais ko ang iyong pagbabalik, isa itong katotohanan para sa akin.

pero kahit wag ka na lang bumalik.. basta ba maabot mo ang tunay na kasiyahan..

-+reish.31aug05.

webcam

2005-08-28T22:38:00.000+08:00

i though seeing you would be the best for me tonight..

at first, yeah, seeing you all because of an amazing mechanism that we now call a webcam, i felt happy and enlightened. but i wonder why that feeling just went away. flew away and left me feeling incomplete.

seeing you made my heart melt in happiness.. but after a while, i just felt so, empty. incomplete.

seeing you makes me miss you..

and i dont want to miss you.. not yet, at least.. i still have four long months before my earthly nirvana comes. i dont want to miss you. not because i dislike thoughts of you. thats definitely a 'no'. perhaps its just because i dislike the feeling of loneliness, emptiness, and undying unsatisfaction.

without you i feel lonely. without you i feel not only incomplete, but empty. and as long as you are miles away, unsatisfaction comes for a visit once in a while.

suddenly, seeing you gives reality a chance to slap me in the face real hard. you're not here, not here physically, and even if you are, you'd always be a million miles away.. for i know, really 'being with you' shall forever be a dream, shall always be forbidden to come true.

kawawa naman ako, namimiss na kita. :(
-+reish.28aug05.

skip

2005-08-06T02:47:00.000+08:00

i feel a LOT better now, compared to the way that i was minutes ago.. :) it's good to hear *read* from people :) SOOO good.

haha.. pero walanghiyangkuting. i passed by this blog and this guy was like.. malupit na konyo!! *freak out* so decided to stop reading. hai. haha. akala ko pa naman matutulungan nya ko. haha. lol.

fieldtrip namin kahapon. hindi ko feel ikwento sa pulang xyz ko kanina dahil wala ako sa mood. pero happy at hyper ako ngayon so here.

first of all, we spent almost an hour waiting for i dont know what at school, boring part. haha. inaantok pa ko nun. a long bus ride to the national museum. i've been there before, i think, gradeschool.? haha. anyway, while walking, it started to rain. earlier, we were all told to bring umbrellas, caps, etc. but almost nobody did so. haha. almost. so practically everybody got wet. and as for me, i, who dislikes umbrellas and forgot her cap, i was soaking wet. hair, blouse, skirt, shoes, lahat halos sakin nabasa. haha. pero ok lang. DANI! rain is our thing ;-) hehe.. dani and i were even "celebrating" that it was rainning really hard. haha. (sadyang nagsstroll kami pag umuulan na sa school) you'd see everybody sticking to each other, trying to get a piece of other people's umbrellason their head, etc. haha.. funfun. tas bumaliktad payong ni lara :P pero pinagtyagaan pa rin nila jeric at john mark. haha. yun, practically nagmukhang mga basang sisiw ang 07. toink. the teachers even considered bringing the "wet" students back to school. binigyan kaming option na bumalik na lang sa pisay. but i dont think anybody went back.. hai. anyway. roamed around national museum, then naglunch sa bus, some went strolling inside fort santiago, then we all went to bahay ng tsinoy.. kyut at astig yung hlographic man.. :) at may kyut chinese kid pics din.. at stairs. haha. labo. anyway. we spent almost the whole day inside the bus, feeling cold, wet, and for some, sick. haha. pero masaya naman. :)

good luck na lang samin next time :))

happy birthday JANEL! :)

masaya ako ngayon, pansin nyo? ;P

-+reish.06aug05.

stare and dream

2005-08-04T22:41:00.000+08:00

i feel empty. like something's missing. i dont know exactly what that thing is.
i feel tired. and sick.
and as i doze off.. i realize..
i want to see my own blood again.

forever a masochist.

i wish to perish, yet everytime i see the sunset.. i makes me look forward to tomorrow.. to what might come my way.. to whatever it is that fate has in store for me..
i wish to evaporate in thin air.. i way not be 100% liquid.. but still..
i want to be gone. poof. gone. yet everytime i see that smile in my dreams and in this picture that i never let go of, i start to gain hope. hoping for a tomorrow that would be full of beauty, and freedom.

i long for heaven..
i long for death..

i remember myself as this little girl,the nights when id kneel down on my knees, weeping and praying real hard..
"dear Lord, take me away.. take my spirit.. i long for death. i hope it'll embrace me tonight, perhaps in my sleep.."

suicidal. suicidal.
-+reish.04aug05.

bonding with blog

2005-07-23T01:52:00.000+08:00

i've been sitting here, infront of this computer for about seven hours now.. i went online at around seve, after eating when we arrived.. and now it's almost 2am and i guess i feel like im stuck to this comp.. i somehow feel stressed and i think that i would still be by tomorrow (teach catechism to kids in the morning, etc.) but nonetheless, i am still here. typing this entry. waha. how fun.

if i wont feel seriously sleepiy in a few minutes, i would most likely create another blog layout, and encode it. (i practically make a layout every other, or after two days, but i do not encode them; they remain stagnantly kept on paper. ) i realized though, this current layout sucks. most likely because most of the stuff that i mixed with this blog's original template from blogger didn't work. sucks. now it somehow still looks like the original template, if not because of the background. sheesh. poor kid.

but.. enks. next time na lang. pahinga na. maaga pa catechism with kids bukas e. i abandoned them last week :P evil catechist.. i spent the whole saturday last week on my personal interest and need :P hehe.

i hope that at least most of the parts of this blog is readable >_<

-+reish.23july05.

purple.

2005-07-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

ohman. the whole of my template/layout/whatever isnt working too well.. aww. :( but sheesh.. it's already 12.30 in the morning so perhaps i'd be going to bed in a while (or probably eat my dinner-slash-midnight-snack) so i'll stop this blog-look-editting stuff :P waha..

if you can't see all the text that you think are present here due to the colors.. im so sorry.
gomen.
i'm going to fix that.. perhaps tomorrow or next week ;-)

masochist who's tired of pain.
-+reish.23july05.

never satisfied

2005-07-10T22:09:00.000+08:00

i can't seem to be able to access my tabulas xyz from this comp.. i cant seem to access any of the tabulas blogs that i know about.. i cant access tabulas at all! >_<

hai.

i still have a bunch of school work to do, yet here i am, blogging. again.

as usual.

i dont know i somewhat feel awfully tired. it seems like i dont want to do anything.. except for thinking of stuff that could happen.. thinking of the sentimental stuff that i usually think of.

so.. am i ruinning my own life?

shyet. i miss the smilies.

anyway.

i realized that yes, perhaps i shall never find true happiness on earth. for if that is possible.. why am i still unsatisfied of the way that things are? why do i hunger, why do i thirst for something that could be a whole lot better? why is it that in me, in the deepest recesses of my mind, i seem to feel this emptiness.. this never-ending loneliness and deppression?

why?

cant anybody save me?

i cant find the answers in myself.. or at least that's the way things are right now.

or perhaps, i have found the answers to my questions.. yet it seems like these aren't the ones that i was expecting to get.. that these aren't the ones that i want to do.. i want something else.. but IS THERE 'something else'?

"sadness is the product of selfishness" -J.Escriva, Friends of God

i still am, one little selfish kid.

-+reish.10july05.

*

2005-07-03T08:34:00.000+08:00

babay na naman.

hindi na natapos ang pagpapaalam. hai.

minsan lang ako hihingi ng kapalit.. eto na siguro yun..

sana alam mong masakit yun para sa kin.. sobra.. //my sacrifice// sana naman.. gawin mo..

hindi ko naman kasi gustong gumawa ng kahit anong desisyon para kahit kanino.. at lalong hindi para sa yo.. ako kasi mismo, ayokong iba ang gagawa ng desisyon para sakin.. may exceptions dun though.. pero bakit kinailangang tanungin mo kung anong gusto ko?

hindi ko alam.

hindi ko alam. >_<

hindi mo kelangan gawin ang mga sinasabi ko..

hindi talaga.

pero sabihin mo naman sana kung anong gagawin mo.. wala lang. gusto ko lang malaman. pero kung ayaw mo.. e di wag.. ayokong mamilit.

hindi ako magaling sa paggawa ng mga desisyon e.

-+reish.03july05.

babay na.

2005-06-05T23:40:00.000+08:00

Gigising siya nang madaling araw.
Tapos sasakay siya nang ikot jeep kasi masarap ang hangin tuwing umaga.
Tapos bababa siya sa harap ng Abelardo Hall. Tapos dun lang siya magdamag.
Tapos bandang alasingko nang hapon tatawag sa kanya yung syota niya.
Sasabihin sa kanya, "Nasaan ka.? Bakit di ka pumasok ngayon.?"
Tas ang sasagutin niya, "Nandito sa harap nang Abelardo Hall."
"Bakit.?"
"Para pagdumaan ka masilayan kita"
"Ano.?"
"Para pagdumaan ka masilayan kita."
"Huh.? Pero wala naman tayong usapan ah. Di mo naman sinabi na magkikita tayo."
"Sakali lang."
Tas yung syota niya, mag-iisip nang ilang segundo.
Tas hihintayin niya lang yon habang pinapanood yung bahaghari sa kanal na hindi niya alam kung saan nanggaling.
Malamang nanggaling yun sa langis na natapon.
Tas mapapansin nung syota niya yung katahimikan.
Pati na rin yung katotohanan na wala rin namang patutunguhan yung iniisip niya.
Pati narin na nag-ooverflow na yung tubig sa banyo.
Pati narin na pumapatak yung metro nang tawag niya dahil hindi na nga pala ten pesos per call sa PLDT.
Saka may nunal pala siya sa braso.
Tapos bago niya ibaba yung telepono, dahil ala narin naman talaga siyang masabi, sasabihin nalang niya,
"Ah."

*mithi. naaliw ako e. sana ayos lang na ipost ko to. n_n

-+reish.05may05.

paalam

2005-06-05T23:37:00.000+08:00

paalam na, minamahal kong bakasyon..

hai.

may pasok na naman bukas.

junior na pala talaga ako. *surprise.*

ambilis ng panahon.. naaalala ko pa nga yung fieldtrip namin nung grade1 e. tapos may rollercoaster. gustung-gusto kong sumakay pero baka raw ma-heartattack yung guro ko, kaya di siya sumakay.

tsk. sayang naman. peyorit titser ko pa man din yun. pero wala lang.

may quiz na daw kami bukas. sa math4. ang una naming subject sa unang araw ng klase sa unang buwan ng pasukan para sa una at nag-iisa (sana naman no.) kong taon sa 3rd year. unang test.

una.

hai.

paalam na sa mga pahinga moments sa sobrang dami..

paalam sa libreng oras kung kelan pede akong magbasketbol o kayay manood ng sine o kayay matulog hanggang sa kelan ko gusto.

paalam na rin.

paalam..

shyet, andrama.. haha..

pero excited rin akonmg pumasok, somehow.. wala lang.

bagong grupo ng tao..

bagong mga guro..

bagong subjects..

bagong kulay ng pisay.

'uy.. kinakalawang na skul nyo?'

'hindi ah. masyado pang light yan para maging kalawang.. makakamouflage ang mga may bagong blouse. haha. buti na lang yung akin tila puti na.'

pero shempre, tulad ng marami, halos ayoko pa.

ayoko pang matapos ang pagpapahinga.

ayoko pang magpakabangag sa homeworks.

ayoko pang umakyat baba, akyat baba sa mga hagdan.

ayoko pang umalis ka.

ayoko.

pero ano bang magagawa ng 'ayoko'?

wala.

aray naman.

haii. anyway.

ang nahihirapan talaga akong gawin ay ng pumili ng elective.

gusto kong magrobo, pero di ako tech stream kaya malamang ay mahihirapan ako. pero ok lang, gusto ko ng challenge.

gusto kong mag-eng journ. pero pede naman akong magsulat nang magsulat kahit hindi ko to elective.

gusto ko magrobo. napapag-interesan ko to.

gusto kong mag-journ. may interes rin ako dito.

gusto kong mag robo. magagamit ko to. baka sa susunod ay palakarin ko na ang tv namin.

gusto kong mag-journ. magagamit ko to. baka mas maging ok ang mga sinusulat ko sa ingles.

parehas na gusto ko, parehas na may silbi. parehas na pedeng magchallenge sakin.. malamang..

pero alin ba ang dapat kong kunin?

tsk.

bahala na.

baka mag-survey na lang ako bukas.

miss na kita, alam mo ba?

-+reish.05june05.

i can choose not to

2005-03-17T22:45:00.000+08:00

i can choose not to live
i do not feel motivated with regards to my future plans. i may not have a "good" future. i will, eventually die anyway. i am so confused.. i just dont know how id live any longer.
i may be "suicidal" and i long for my death.. but i am not a freak who's insane enough to achieve it on purpose. for killing (oneself, or another) is a sin.

i can choose not to go to hell.
i still have my faith. the things i believe in and what i think could happen to me. do evil, dont even try to change, die, go to hell. you get the picture.
and i badly need the unity of life within me. but due to hypocrisy.. i guess i just cant.
i can choose not to live for a moment and aim for eternal happiness.
i can choose not to hold on to the person that i feel deeply for, and devote myself to our faith.
i can still turn back.
but i won't. i just can't.

// tourniquet. //

i hate confusion.
confusion sucks.

i love chicken.

i am damn lost.

kill me, please.

-+reish.17mar05.

balik

2005-01-07T22:31:00.000+08:00

dahil mas nasanay pa rin akong nandito ang tagalog entries ko.. dito ulit ako.

haha.

das.oka.das.oka.das.oka.

grr.

ayokong maging sad..

but i am..

i am sad..

grr..

narealize ko lang..

kung may gusto kang gawin..

gawin mo na nga pag may pagkakataon kang gawin yon.

dahil.

sa susunod.

baka hindi ka na ulit magkaroon ng pagkakataon.

unafraid of the chaos.. because there's only past and future, and i'm falling in between, in the great chasm we call present.. and this moment could be gone forever.

naaasar ako.

roar. rawr. grr.

adik na ko sa neon.

song.. stuck.. in my head..

pero ok lang.

na.pplay ko na sha sa guitar.. aliw.. kanina lang ako tinuruan ni aya.. aya salamat.. n_n

though hindi ko pakumpleto yung song.. hindi ko pa natugtog ng buo..

haha.

pero seryoso.

dapat.

hindi pinapalagpas ang bawat pagkakataon.

wag magsayang ng oras..

maaapektuhan ng bawat segundo ang hinaharap..

hindi ko pa nagagawa ang isa kong homework.

ang sumigaw sa field.

haha.

seryoso.

(or siguro mali talaga ang narinig ko..)

asar.

bakit ganon..?

nakakaewan to.. yung tipong punung.puno ka na.. too much pain.. hurting.. pero di mo mailabas. parang antaas na ng luha ko. haha. mahirap akong paiyakin. pero may mga oras na ako mismo gusto kong umiyak, pero hindi ko kaya.. haha. so mas mahirap yun.

haha.

nakakatawa.

nakakaasar.

grr.

pero masaya ang buhay.

mahal ko ang isang manok.

sobra.

na kahit hindi sha laging nanjan sa tabi ko physically.. na kahit mahirap.. ok lang.. basta ok sha.. masaya.. safe..

ok lang ang pain. yeah, pain is good. id rather embrace this pain than to have not met you at all.

ingat lagi.

ivxoi

masarap suntukin ang gazebo.. or wall.. kahit halos nagbbleed na ang knuckles.

-+reish.010705.

ps. ayaw magwork ng smileys sa xyz ko. panget. *as dar would say.. haha..* tapos.. kanina.. nung wala na kong kasama sa school.. yung pusa.. sinusundan ako.. gusto pa yatang magstay sa may lap ko.. sobrang lapit sha nang lapit. tapos pag lumalayo sha sakin. isa lang ang puntahan nya. yung gamit ko. panget ulit. grr. i get goosebumps when cats go near me.. haha.. ewan kung bakit.. pero ganun na yon.. maarte ba? oh well.. yun talaga eh.. haha..
ps2. play station 2.
ps3. aliw yung bagong coke commercial. yung may kumakantang girl na namimigay ng coke. pretty nya.. trips ko ren boses nya. haha.. wala lang.. :-P *woo.. love that erm.. commercial.. hahaha..
ps4. pero mas pretty pa rin yung love kong chicken. at mas masarap pa rin pakinggan boses nya. :-P
ps5. masyado nang marami tong mga 'ps' na to.. tama na. babay.

2005. here.

2005-01-02T21:02:00.000+08:00

Happy new year.

School again tomorrow.

-+reish.010205.

walang smileys dito

2004-12-20T01:42:00.000+08:00

haha..

yeah, blogger doesn't have smileys.. aww..

but tabulas does.. haha.. :D and (i dunno why) i suddenly had the idea of using my tabulas account.

you can go and visit it if you like. >> www.tabulas.com/~reish

so i guess i won't be using this blog for a while.. or maybe not.. haha.. n_n

hug me. :D

i am who i am..

and not neccessarily who i want to be.. but what the heck.?

love me, or hate me.. throw me out the window.

-+reish.122004.

ps:

wala pa rin sumasagot ng tanong ko.

Ano yung tanong ko? hmm.. hanapin nyo na lang dito..

haha.. n_n

a.w.c.h.

2004-12-18T21:31:00.000+08:00

Why must this pain come around?

I can take on any kind of pain, any problem, every challenge that comes my way.. because you're there.. giving me strength and joy.. but what'll happen after you leave..? Where will I find the strength to go on and continue living life?

Sure, you may say that it would simply be 'physical' separation.. but things would be so different.. so lonely.. so painful..

Dinosaur is lonely without Chicken..

when you're near, i don't need stupid glasses.. seeing you clearly is enough..

when you speak, when you laugh, i don't need to hear what people call music.. your voice is enough..

I know how fast time runs..

And I'm running out of it..

Man.. if only I can run away from it's claws..

This is hurting too much.. and not even this happiness that I feel inside can stop my wounds from bleeding..

I want to hold on to you forever.. if only forever exists..

I can try to laugh, I can try to forget..

But hard as it is,

I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt..

banging my head on the keyboard..

hurting so much..

dying so fast..

madalas pala akong matahimik at mapaisip.. kala nyo bored na ako at walang magawa.. pero ewan..

napapadalas ang pagtitig ko sa kalawakan.. sa kawalan.. sa kalayaan ng mga damdamin..

waw.. ako ba to?

I knew this was going to be happy, from the very start..

But i was also aware that this happiness could only be temporary..

I also knew that this was going to hurt so much more than how much it brings me joy..

I had the chance to turn back, and I know that I still do..

But I didn't, and I won't..

Not now, not ever..

And this is only for one good reason..

I love you.

It may (and I bet it does) sound mushy..

But I can't help it..

why can't i scream when i want to?

why can't i cry when i need to?

magaling siguro akong magtrain sa sarili..

I have trained myself well.. that I don't cry.

And now that I really need to release this pain.. I just can't..

I don't cry, and I don't just scream..

gusto kong magwala.. pero di ko kaya..

And now I'm weak..

This pain is killing me.

I'm too weak..

I'm too lost..

without you.

mushy ako.

-+reish.121804.

burn.

2004-12-18T11:50:00.000+08:00

*imagine angry eyes.. as sharp as a knife..*

pasalamat ka wala akong connection sa yo..
pasalamat ka di ko nakuha ang number mo..
pasalamat ka di ko alam kung nasan ka.

'mahal na mahal kita.. at kahit anong mangyari, di kita iiwan..'

'mas masaya ako kung lalayo ka.. mas masaya ako kung magmamahal k ng iba.. mas masaya ako kung iiwan mo ako.. kc mawawaln n ako ng skit ng ulo.'

rawr!!

kala mo di ko alam!

rawrr!

*aya.. tama ka.. parehas tayo ng naisip..*

*dinosaur angry..*

*angry eyes*

CJ.

hmp..

*breathe in, breathe out..*

hmm...

anyway..

tapos na yun..

so...

to my beloved friend..

next time..

kilalanin ng mabuti.

kilala mo naman si pasimio di ba? at ang kwento dun..

yun na yon.

kaya mo yan..

you don't need him.

i think..

pero tama naman ako dba?

haha.. gusto nyo malaman kung sino at ano yun?

haha..

itanong lang.

anyway.. tapos na nga yun.. kalimutan na.

haha..

tumawa.

hahaha..

ang mahalaga'y ngayon..

nandito ka ngayon, o sinta..

masaya na ako.

-+reish.121804.

bangag

2004-12-18T01:40:00.000+08:00

ano nga ba..?

what we are

how we feel

*never thought this was possible..

*in this world of the broken and blurred

*we found each other

*and through it all

*you came

*and saved whats left of my life..

weird song.

nakalimutan ko na nga yung ibang lyrics eh.. at title.. haha..

ano nga ba?

masyado lang ba akong nalilito

o masyadong tanga para malaman?

(let's use the word innocent instead..)

o masyado lang na inosente (tagalog eh) para malaman?

haha..

labo..

anyway..

dapat pala hindi na lang ako nagsasalita pag bangag ako't inaantok. kasi magulo na kong kausap.. kung di paiba.iba ng topic, parang lasing.. hahahaha..

may ilang lines and conversations din from yesterday (and today) na di ko malilimutan..

* 'nasa bulate drive na tayo..'

* 'nanood ka ng alexander the gay??'

* bata: kat sorry masyado kong minahal ang pillow mo.. 'ok lang.. basta pagmamahal, hindi laway..'

* 'we are the wet butts! tapos mamaya.. moist butts na lang..' (galing sa rio grande rapids eh..)

* 'uy!! ano yun!?' (sabay turo sa langit.. napatingin naman ang mga di kilalang katabi.. haha..)

* 'im going to barf..' (nakakatawa lang talaga yung nagsabi..)

* 'you can get me for 100php..' (can we get the bear instead?)

* 'bakit ganyan sha?' sagot sa kanya: 'eh kasi po kanina sumakay din kami tapos lahat kami basang-basa, pero sha hindi nabasa.. kaya ngayon ganyan sha kasi gusto niyang mabasa..' tapos yung pinag.uusapan nila: 'water!! water!! i wanna get wet!! wwaatteerr!!' (haha..)

* 'kami rin.. first subject may longtest.. shucks compsci! tapos 2nd subject.. bio.. meron din!' tanong nung katabi nya: 'weh? bio lang di ba? yung chem kelan?' sagot nya: 'ay shucks! chem din pala! tatlo!' (waw.. di nga dapat kalimutan.)

* 'walang space shuttle.. ' sabi nung isa: 'weh? closed?' sagot nya: 'wala. pace huttle lang.'

* 'krishna? may sakit ka? its very unusual of you to be that silent..' (haha.. oo para akong langgam na tahimik sa tabi.. walang energy nung umaga..'

* 'krishna.. may sakit ka?' (wala. inaantok lang..)

* 'i cant hear you!' sagot nung kausap niya: 'i cant hear you either!' (haha.. aliw. ingay kasi ng iba..)

* 'gsing k p? :)' reply: 'yep.. :)' (haha.. wala lang..)

* 'bakit magisa ka? wala kang kasama?' sagot ng bata: 'wala. naglayas ako eh.' (tindi mambarbero ng batang yun.. maglalayas na lang, sa ek pa magsstay.. waw. haha..)

* 'pinagpalit nyo ko jan?!' (domo.. haha..)

* 'krishna ang bangag mo..' (thanks. :-))

* tapos sandamakmak na tilian at sigawan.. haha..

astig.. first time ko nga.. sa ek.. haha.. aliw.. sulit kasi halos lahat yata nasubukan namin.. haha.. sayang lang wala akong camera.. rwr.. i love pictures.. :-( wrong timing naman kasi masira yung battery ng camera eh.. tsk..

pero masaya.. kahit na ba naging 10:45 ang 7am meeting, ok pa rin..

masaya.. at nabasa ako! oyeh! haha. asar kasi yung unang try namin sa rio grande.. lahat sila basang basa.. except sa kin. rawr. tama ba yun? so.. gusto kong umulit.. at nakahanap ako ng isa pang may gustong umulit sa rio grande.. mga 6 na or so.. pero mga 8 na yata kami nakapila.. haha.. pero worth it.. kasi oyeh!.. nabasa ako.. sobra.. tapos sila naman yung halos hindi nabasa.. haha.. kawawa nga yung nakatabi kong girl na di ko kilala..

ako: "water!! water!! i wanna get wet! wwaatteerr!!"

feeling kong sinasabi nya sa sarili niya: "shut up.. yung bag ko mababasa.."

*sa last na splash.. isang astig na rapid.. malakas yung splash.. para kaming binuhusan lang talaga ng tubig*

ako: "YEAH!!"

sha: "NOOOO!!!"

haha.. pero ok lang.. mukha naman shang mabait.. so kinausap ko na lang sha after nun.. parang, 'hello po.. sana wag po kayong magkasakit.. hehe.. kasi maginaw na eh..' 'hehe.. thank you..' 'masaya naman pong mabasa di ba?' *kasamang ngiti* 'ok lang..'

haha.. masaya naman eh..

so next time.. di ko na kakalimutan ang extra pants.

*uy! lesson learned! wow!* haha..

hindi dapat pagtawanan ang taong tulog at mukhang ewan.. baka mas mukha ka pang ewan jan pag tulog KA..

kung may sasabihing di maganda, manahimik na lang.. lalo na kung insulto lang ang sadya mong ibigay..

someone.. sana wag kang padalus-dalos next time.. kawawa naman yung binubully mo kanina.. di nya alam na binubully sha..

nakita nga pala namin kanina sa ek yung opal08.. haha..

pero masaya talaga ang opal. opal 07. da best talaga.. ansaya.. haha.. para kaming family.. haha..

opal07 - one of the best group of people that i have ever known. talaga lang.

nakakamiss..

kahit mejo otti tayo.. kahit puno ng kabangagan.. ng kulitan.. ng saya.. ng ewan.. basta.. there's something special in o07.. (just like in everything else..) astig talaga. bonded. kahit hiwahiwalay na.. nagppush through pa rin ang kung anu.anong plans..

ano nga ba?

-+reish.121804.

mind reader ka ba?

2004-12-16T23:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish that some people are able to read minds.. so that i wouldnt have a hard time telling them what i want to say..

'can i just hold on to you forever?'
'i love you..'
'pwede ba kitang ihug..?'
'can i hold your hand?'
'aww man.. i wish had softer shoulders.. dude.. sorry di comfortable maglean sa kin.. haha.. bony.. hehe..'
'sana inviscible ako.. para pwede kitang samahan all the time..'
'uhm.. feeling ko nabbore ka na.. sorry..'

or.. sa ibang tao..

'taxi!!! dito! wag jan!'
'aww.. shut up.. di ka naman inaano jan eh..'
'sorry.. alam ko bawal magpalimos eh.. God bless you..'
'mom.. sorry..'
'dig.. wag mo kong daganan.. ang bigat mo.. di na ko makahinga..' *para sa kapatid ko pag tulog sha at katabi ko*
'karj.. mukha kang bunny.. hindi batman.. hehe.. wag kang magalit.. pis.'
'mukhang bitin yung pants mo..'
'rar.. astig ka talaga.. bat ang bilis mo?! teach me!'
'pre.. its over.. wala na talaga.. sorry.. hanap ka na lang ng iba.. wag na ko.. sorry..'
'li.. yoko sa kanya.. maraming iba jan..'
'ms reyaine.. sorry.. i didnt tell you everything.. tinuloy ko po.. i wont leave her..'
'liar. niloko mo ko. kala mo di ko alam. haha.. your fault. wala na talaga.'
'bat di ka maniwala?!'
'sorry.. sorry talaga..'
'woah.. astig ka man..'
'huwat? mahal naman nyan! case pa lang yun?!'
'sweet nyo naman.. pero.. pare, dont drool on her..'
'dont look up to me.. maraming talagang magagaling sa tabi.tabi..'
'10 more!!' *para sa spud junior*
'pare.. niloloko mo ba bespren ko? back off man..'
'ingatan mo yan.. mahal ko yan.. make my bestfriend cry once and youre dead.'
'alagaan mo ate mo for me..'
'stop it.. nloloko mo ko.. you told me youll never drink again..'
'i love you' *friends and family*
'f.k.u.' *haha.. sorry bayolente.. evil kid.. anger..*
'iappreciate mo naman sha.. she's trying her best..'

haha.. narealize ko..
andami ko palang gustong sabihin na di ko masabi..
at sa sobrang dami, di ko na maalala lahat.. hahahaha..
and yung sa ibang tao.. mostly negative.. hehe.. sorry.. pero siguro pwede ring sabihin na ganun kasi as much as possible, i try to say all the good things that i can to people..
haha..
im trying to be good.. n_n
pero yan tuloy..
haha..
reminiscing words that were left unsaid made me feel.. erm.. bad..
haha..
ako si rei.
hindi ko maintindihan, pero mukhang malaki talaga ng galit ko sa mundo..
or siguro..
sa mundo ko lang..
sa sarili ko..
for some reason..
hahaha..
pero masaya ako.

masayang mabuhay.

but seriously..
i am a suicidal kid.
pero wala akong balak magsuicide..
haha..
eager lang akong mamatay.. siguro.
pero parang hindi..
pero parang oo.
ah.. ewan.. haha..
a happy, and suicidal dinosaur - that i am.

sana wag matunaw ang tsokolateng langit ko.

akoy nagmamahal ng isang manok.
-+reish.121604.

wala akong maisip na title

2004-12-16T22:01:00.000+08:00

disappear.hoobastank

there's a pain that sleeps inside
it sleeps with just one eye
and awakens the moment that you leave
though i try to look away
the pain it still remains
only leaving when you're next to me
do you know that everytime you're near everybody else seems far away?
so can you come and make them disappear?
make them disappear and we can stay..
so i stand and look around
distracted by the sounds
of everyone and everything i see
and i search through every face
without a single trace
of the person, the person that i need..
do you know that everytime you're near everybody else seems far away?
so can you come and make them disappear?
make them disappear and we can stay..
can you make them disappear?
make them disappear..

haha.. nakakaaliw.. di ko nasabi sa yo dude.. haha..

trips ko rin yung kantang to dahil dinededicate ko rin to sa isang manok..

haha.. wala lang..

erm..

a good morning.

a great day.

a tiring night.

but happy, still.. :D

mahal ko ang isang manok!

woah.. haha.. never kong naimagine na mangyayari to.. ang mainlove sa isang manok.

lupeet.. di ko akalain. haha.. oyeh!

haha.. natatawa ako..

teka.. malabo..

63: i love you

9: i love you too

tanong:

sila ba?

haha..

nakakatanga..

hahaha.. seryoso.

anong sagot sa tanong ko?

sagutin nyo..

sagutin niyo..

please? ;-P

haha.. 'wala akong maisip na title'..

yun talaga ang title nito.

haha..

bleeding.63

are you leaving now?

cant you stay a little longer?

can you feel my pain?

thisll bring me down..

*tried to see, cant find

*tried to look, you didnt smile..

*just one more day with you

*just one sweet moment in your arms

*before you leave me here

*alone

*im bleeding

looking back its been a while

all the mem'ries we wont leave behind

looking forward to that day

that youll come back to me

**without you im bleeding

**im bleeding

haha..

nakakatawang kanta.

ewan.

or siguro hindi naman talaga sha nakakatawa, masyado lang akong masaya..

haha..

teka!

nOoOo.. opal07! anong nangyayari?

haha.. *optimism*

nde! tuloy yan!

pero ang transpo.. erm.. meron yan! n_n

sorry.. hindi lang talaga ako pwedeng magprovide ng transpo.. sorry..

haha..

can i just hold on to you forever..?

-+reish.121604.

pahabol:

nagsimula na ang simbang gabi. kanina lang.

and di ako nakapag.attend. *rawr*

sayang.. sayang talaga. *tsktsk

disappointing.. kung may iba lang sanang gustong magsimba sa bahay.. tsktsk..

hehe..

yun lang.

simba kayo ha.?

*naiinspire na rin ba ako finally ng Pasko..?*

rawrr!

2004-12-14T01:48:00.000+08:00

anj! aylabyu!

ate anj! maraming salamat! sobra!

astig talaga.. baet mo..

dapat sa kin.. pinapatay.

parang ipis.. haha.. *naalala ang baygon commercial*

onga.. ako si sikstitri, ang ipis.

haha.. teka.. joke lang yun.

haha..

nakakabaliw..

im going nuts..

i am insane..

haha..

may naalala tuloy akong song..

'ang taong tulad ko, di dapat mahalin..'

haha..

ang saya.

haha..

feeling ko..

grounded ako.

hahahaha..

ansaya..

so baka di ako makapagonline for a while..

haha..

EK! opal 07! 17 Nov 04! kitakits!

finally.. tuloy na..

ei kat.. di na natin kailangan mangidnap..

tsk.. we're not so evil anymore..

haha..

fate.

alam nyo ba ang feeling ng sobrang depressed pero masaya???

kung hindi.. oh well.. you wont feel what im feeling now.

haha..

ansaya.

akoy depressed.

nakakabaliw.

nakakatawa.

nakakapikon.

nakakatakot.

nakakaewan.

whatever.

ako to.

akoy isang bangag,

sa puso't diwa..

salamat ulit anj..

*special mention.. kasi astig talaga.. di ko akalian..*

at sa maraming taong nakapaligid..

sa mga nakatulong..

nakapagpasaya..

nakipagusap..

nakiewan..

sa lahat..

lalo na kay chicken. :D

*hindi pamamaalam to, pasasalamat lang.

suicidal nga pala ako.

pero masaya ako.

pero depressed.

suicidal.

ako ay isang dinosaur.

isang dinojoy, specifically.

ang nagiisang dinojoy sa mundo. *i think*

haha..

i love you chicken.

-+reish.121404.

dainojoi loves chickenjoi

2004-12-12T16:31:00.000+08:00

pare naman.. maiinlove ka na lang, wrong timing pa! tingnan mo.. 0* sha.. eh ilang * na lang **** na. * * na lang, babay na.. o, wrong timing talaga.. haha.. pero ok lang. masakit.. at magiging masakit pa, pero ok lang.. living for a moment.. moment na kasama ka.. moment na nanjan ka.. mawala ka man bukas sa tabi ko, ok lang.. basta maging ok at masaya ka.. at ako, ako.. nandito lang parati.. sa tabi.tabi.. kahit sa malayo susubaybayan kita (haha.. stalker ba?) gusto ko lagi kang masaya.. lagi kang safe.. hindi kita pababayaan. (waw.. special) nararamdaman ko na ang sakit.. ang unti.unting pagyakap sa kin ng apoy.. (ui.. apoy? nasan ka?) pero ok lang.. hindi ko maintindihan.. pero ok lang.. seryosong nasasaktan ako.. pero kaya pa (oyeh! tibay.) apoy.. natatakot ako.. pero handa ako.. (hmm.. ready set go. takbo.) gusto ko lang na makasama ka.. (punch the moon) ang lahat.. ang tunay na kaligayahang walang hanggan.. (langit na..) pinakawalan ko na.. para lang dito.. para sa yo.. dahil lang mahal kita.. alam mo ba? onga pala, sana masaya ka ngayon.. ingat ha.. :)

tol, (teka, short ka) ang mushy mo ah.. haha.. lupeet.. mushy pare.. tapos.. censored ba yung unang part? haha.. puros asterisk.. dapat 8.. di ba?? para nga iba.. dapat 8. (tamad mag press ng shift key) haha.. ui.. nasan ka?bat may apoy? di ba masaya ka ngayon? bakit ka nagkakaganyan? parang ang lungot mo.. para kang nagpapaalam.. pero hindi naman di ba? alam kong di mo sha iiwan.. alam kong mahal mo sha.. pero.. haha.. pre, kailangan bang magpakamushy? hahahaha..

naman.. pagbigayan mo n ko! blog ko rin to no! ang sama mo talaga.. lagi mo na lang akong nilalait.. langya ka.. tayo, ay iisa.. di mo ba alam? o nakalimutan mo lang?

haha.. sige na nga.. sige na..

haha.. ang labo..

im figthing myself.. with my hell damn self..

masaya ako.. pero nalulungkot..

oh well..

ok lang.. haha..

putek.. 13 na bukas. deadline na ng labrep.

ang saya naman.. di ko pa ginagawa.. pero may nagawa naman ako kahit konti.. yun nga lang, di ko pa tinatapos..

haha.. kailangan ko nga palang magbagong buhay.

kailangan magsipag..

konti pa..

haha.. ako nga pala ang bagong miyembro ng lahing sikstee!

oyeh! haha.. ako si 63 - hindi ko alam kung ano ako.

haha.. pinagddsisyunan pa..

haha.. pinagiisipan pa.. haha..

ina daw ng mga ipis na nasa balat ng saging..

haha.. wala pa ren..

haha.. sagwa.. pero at least di ako kuto.. nor lumot.. nor pader.. nor demonyita.. nor sinok.

ako ay

wala.

sila yun.

haha..

labo ba? suggestion ko.. kumanta ka.

dude.. kaw sumasayaw.. ako kumakanta.. singing works for my confused mind.

oyeh! :D

dabest pa rin ang 'masarap uminom ng mirinda sa langit' ni mithi. idol pa ren.

idol.. pano kita tutulungan sa labrep mo? di pa nga ako tapos eh.

mahal ng dinojoy ang chickenjoy. sobra.

-+reish.121204.

isang araw

2004-12-12T01:54:00.000+08:00

one day.

haha..

masaya to.

nakatulog ako ng di oras..

tulog ako nung mga panahong dapat hindi ako tulog

haha.. ang saya naman ng sinabi ko..

bangag kasi..

haha..

tapos..

pag dating ko.. sa pupuntahan ko..

tapos na..

haha..

eksakto. tapos na.

haha..

pero ok lang..

may pahabol na silang nagawa..

dahil hindi lang ako ang maagang dumating.

ewan ko kung yung iba pang maaagang dumating ay nakatulog din..

haha.. siguro hindi..

pero yun.. kumanta ulit sila para sa min.. for being way too early.

tapos nagjamming. ang saya.

ang saya ni aiza magplay. kasi maingay. pasalamat akong hindi sha sanay gumamit nung drum sticks (no, hindi manok) na pinapagamit ni jan.. kundi.. soft lang yung maririnig..

haha..

masaya rin yung hug. n_n

onga pala.. first time kong magtaxi mag.isa kahapon. (umaga na eh)

pero alam nyo bang takot akong magtaxi ng walang kasama? hindi ko alam kung bakit. pero oo takot ako magtaxi magisa.

pero kahapon di ko naramdaman yun.

basta nagmadali lang ako. may hinahabol kasi.. baka umalis na.. baka di ko maabutan..

buti naabutan ko.

at yung taxi driver.. magkaiba yung way na alam namain patungong tanglaw.

driver: kaso di ba one way dito.. bata: opo.. kaliwa na lang po tayo sa may abscbn.. *kumaliwa* driver: o, kanan na tayo? trapik dun e bata: eh.. kuya, examiner po tayo.. kaliwa po.. driver: oo nga, examiner di ba? o di dito tayo.. bata: *lito* uh.. onga pala.. sige kuya, kanan.. *kumanan* driver: o sabi sa yo eh. bata: kuya, kaliwa tayo jan.. driver: kaliwa? sige, sabi mo yan. *kumaliwa* bata: o, tapos kanan po tayo dito.. *examiner na, pero maling side* driver: o di ba u.u.turn tayo dun? sabi ko sa yo doon eh.. bata: opo, u.u.turn nga.. eh, eto po kasi yung alam kong daanan eh.. driver: ah ganun ba.. bata: haha.. ayaw mo nun kuya? long cut.. dagdag bayad din to. driver: *tawa* *u.turn* *kanan* driver: o, alam mo na to di ba? bata: haha.. opo.. yan na po.. sa kaliwang side.. tanglaw..

haha..

masaya.

tapos eto pa.

masaya ulit.

first time kong makasakay sa jeep (pauwi na ko nun) na yung driver, pag may bababang pasahero, sasabihan nya ng 'ingat ka.'

wala lang..

nakakatuwang isipin.

wala lang.

!ox3^ol!

-+reish.121204.

hmm...

2004-12-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

wala lang to.

reish Highway

Family Farm	5
Confusion Lane	21
Valley of Depression	46
Bankruptcity	156
Childbirth Hospital	211
Please Drive Carefully

rei ang labo mo.

2004-12-10T21:41:00.000+08:00

1: waw.. pare.. ganda ng kotse mo ah..

alam mo,

kung may ganyan ako, lahat ng nililigawan ko, sasagutin na ako!

mahal siguro yan no?

2: hindi naman.. bigay nung kumpanya namin..

last week lang..

1: waw.. asenso! bilhan mo naman ako nyan.. *tawa*

2: *tawa* sige ba..

pag napromote ako..

at medyo may pera na..

1: haha.. sige! pramis yan..

2: oo.. sus.. kaw pa!

onga pala, patingin naman ng dyaryo mo o..

1: eto? sige..

*bigay ang dyaryo. nilipat ni 2 ang pahina sa clasified ads*

1: anong tinitingnan mo?

2: classified ads, di mo ba nakikita?

1: bakit? anong hinahanap mo? may trabaho ka naman ah.

2: *tawa* meron nga.

1: o, e para saan pa?

2: e kasi hanggang kahapon lang ako may trabaho.

1: **langya.. pano na yung libreng chikot ko*

wala lang.

commercial lang.

pag otomatik na ang luha..

tuwing maghahatinggabi..

pag imposibleng mapatawa..

at di na matagpuan ang ngiti..

kumapit ka kaya, sa akin nang ikaw ay

maitangay sa kalayaan ng ligaya..

tayo na, tayo na..

ika'y magtiwala sapagkat ngayong gabi ako ang

mahiwagang elesi.

haha.. naalala ko lang yung kanta..

elesi.. rivermaya.

dati kras ko si rico blanco.

wala lang.

RAWRR.

bayolente ang isipan ko ngayon.

888888888

masayng magalit sa sarili.

nagiging suicidal.

losing self.love

888888888

masama ako.

gusto kong iba ang pumatay sa kin..

haha..

nandadamay ako ng iba.

evil kid.

hahaha.

fallen.

-+rei.121004.

ps: opal07. EK. friday. 121704. kitakits.

mahal ko ang buhay

2004-12-10T21:31:00.000+08:00

suicidal ako.
haha.. buhay pa rin ang suicidal self ko.. haha..
tulungan nyo ko..
kill me.
please.

haha.. parang hindi ako makakilos..
nanghihina ako..
hindi ko alam kung physical pain lang to or what..
ewan..
nadedepress na ako..
hindi ko na yata nagawan ng solution yung initial feeling ko ng pagiging depressed.
isa akong malaking hangal. (if im big)
i feel pain.. and anger..
depression..
isa akong hangal.

nakakatawa.
tawa.
haha.. haha.. HAHA.

marami akong pinalampas.. ngayon.. isa na lang..
malapit nang maging huli ang lahat.. isa na lang.. pag sumablay pa ko dun.. wala na.
haha.. nakakatawa talaga.
pero hindi sha masaya. katawa.tawa lang..
haha.. haha.. HAHA.
maraming sana.. maraming dahil.. subalit.. pero.. ngunit..
but they all lead to one conclusion: isa na lang talaga. walang sablay, kundi, patay ka.
haha.. haha.. HAHA.

kailangan nang tumino ng buhay ko.

saan ba ako pupunta? saan ko nga ba gustong makapunta?
di ko alam.
ayokong isipin.
pero kailangan. kaya.. kailangan ko nang magsimula.
pero..
pano?

bano. bano talaga.

kill me.
-+rei.121004.

meowwrrr..

2004-12-10T01:52:00.000+08:00

hmm..

nararamdaman ko na..

malapit ko na namang marating ang rock.bottom depressed state ko..

pero hindi ko dapat maabot yun.. dail.. pag ako'y nadepress ng sobra sobra.. magbbreak down ako.

haha..

so im trying to keep my spirits up..

hmm..

lalalalalala.. singing.. lalalalalala.. wala lang..

inaantok na ko

pero may dapat pa ring gawin..

d ako makapaniwalang last school day na namin for 2004 bukas..

waw.. ang Christmas party namin.. hapon.. parang pang kids..

wala na ang rave..

tsk.. li.. magwawala pa naman sana tayo, di ba?

haha.. joke lang.. miss ko lang ang sy 2003-04..

ang opal..

ang lahat..

haha..

ngayon.. iba na.. ibang iba ang mundo..

hehe.. anyway.. nahihilo na ko.

haha.. ako'y isang bangag, sa puso't diwa.

-+reish.121004.

scream..

2004-12-06T21:15:00.000+08:00

screaming..

ayokona

anggulokotalaga.. bakitbaganito? anonggagawinko?

perohindi.. alam ko na..

pero hindi.. hindi ko kaya..

b a k i t ? !

pwede bang tumakbo na lang sa kawalan?

tumakbo hanggang kaya pa.. hanggang sa mawalan na ko ng lakas..

kung kaya kong takasan ang sakit.. gagawin ko.. pero kung ang kapalit nun.. ay ang kawalan ng isang nilalang sa buhay..isang nilalang na di ko mabibitawan.. isang nilalang..

kakayanin ko.. ok lang ako..

bakit di ako makasigaw?

tumingin ka.. nakikita mo pa ba ako?

nasan na..

ako.?

-+reish.120604.

perio nga pala.

2004-12-06T20:26:00.000+08:00

++ sabi na nga ba eh.. hindi na lang dapat.. ngayon eto na naman.. naulit na naman.. masakit, alam mo ba? ang malamang nasasaktan ka.. ng dahil pa sa kin.. sori.. di ko sinasadya.. wala ako ni katiting na intensyong gawin yun.. sori talaga.. ikaw.. na taong nasa tabi-tabi.. sori na.. noon.. noong unang nangyari to.. masakit din.. kala lang namin masaya.. pero hindi.. wala namang pumipigil.. kasalanan ko lang.. wala akong intensyon, pero may mali akong nagawa.. nakasakit ako.. at yun.. ay hindi ko gusto.. isang 'sorry'.. para sa taong nasaktan ko. at ngayon naulit na naman.. ano na naman bang mali ang ginawa o ginagawa ko? naiintindihan mo ba ako? nakikita mo ba ang nais kong sabihin? importante ka.. at ayoko tong nagagawa ko sa yo.. isa ulit na 'sorr' para a taong nasasaktan ko. ++

hmm.. ang mushy.. haha..

ang tsokolateng langit ko..

pano ka na?

kung ang ligaya ng batang masaya ay unti.unting nawawala?

ang tsokolateng langit ko..

wag ka sanang maglalaho..

isang tingin lang, buhay ko'y masarap na..

(not that i eat 'life'.. mwahaha.. labooooo...)

ewan..

narealize ko..

yung mga taong laging nanjan para sa yo.. bakit yun pa yung iniiwan mo?

haha..

kasi masama ka..

at magulo ka..

at malabo ka..

wala ka ng kwenta..

may naiisip ka na ba?

ano na ang gagawin mo?

minsan ay nagmumukha ka ng tanga sa mundo..

pero tulad ng sabi ng spongecola..

dumadalas ang minsan..

pero alam kong wala kang pake..

ano?

pano na?

pano ka na?

ako?

hindi ko alam..

pero oo, tama ka..

kahit magmukhang tanga.. wala akong pake..

at ano nga bang pake ng mundo?

wala di ba?

ako.. ang gagawin ko..

tatalikuran ko na..

ang langit na inaasam ko..

paalam sa masayang hinaharap..

wala na akong pake.

mahal ko sha. at ang iwan sha, di ko magagawa..

pake.laya.

hipokrito ako. buhol.buhol ang mga sinasabi't ginagawa ko.

pero ok lang.. magulo talaga ako.

sori na lang. magulo talaga ako.

kung ayaw nyo ng magulo, talikuran nyo ko.

sa landas na to, mag.isa ako.

pero ok lang.

nagawa ko na to noon..

ano pang maaaring mangyari? wala nang maiiba..

ganito na talaga..

isang naliligaw na bata.

hoy! putek.. ang drama mo ah..

to naman..

langya.. ang drama mo pre!

pero kung seryoso yung mga sinabi mo.. oh well.. aok.

haha.. to naman..

nag.eemote.. putek.. istorbo.

istorbo ha? sige.. aalis na ko.

deh.. joke lang.

pero oo, seryoso naman yun..

naiintindihan mo ba?

errm.. konti..

nakatulog kasi ako sa kalagitnaan ng drama speech mo eh.. hehe.. sori..

langya! anong klase kang kaibigan?

sabi mo kausapin kita't makikinig ka..

tapos..

ehh.. puyat eh.. sori..

haha..

to naman..

joke lang yun.. di ka na mabiro..

pero seryoso ako.. konti lang ang naintindihan ko..

malabo rin eh..

ano ka ba? galit? malungkot? inlove? masaya?

o sadyang nililito mo ko?

uh.. ewan..

sige yun na lang..

may sasabihin ka pa?

wala na.. bakit, may pupuntahan ka pa ba?

oo, itutuloy ko lang yung tulog ko..

haha..

joke lang..

sige, aalis na ko.. magaaral pa ko eh.. perio na..

kaw, nagaral ka na?

ay! onga no..

magaaral pa pala.. sige.. ako rin..

matutulog na eh..

err.. magaaral pala.

teka.. happy birthday irene! mis na kita!

silently screaming

-+reish.120605.

epekto ng smiley

2004-12-05T22:58:00.000+08:00

isang malaking.. WALA LANG.

haha.. n_n
naisip ko na..
ok lang sa kin..
temporary happiness..
nangyari na to nung elem..
what difference would it make.. kung mauulit..?
i am an evil kid..
sorry po..
haha..

naaalala ko tuloy si uyvico..
hmm..
onga.. ganyan talaga ang buhay.. parang life.
haha..

l.ngy...
ang sensitive ng stars..
putek..
bumubukas..
haha.. tapos na sana eh.. l.ngy...
tsk.. pero ok lang.
pake.laya..
mwahahaha..

magulo. malabo. bangag. (tomguts..)
-+reish.120504.

WANTED: killer.

2004-12-05T09:54:00.000+08:00

haha..

huwaw.. ad na naman..

hmm.. REWARD: dilis.. with kamatis and asin.

haha.. so you think the reward's not killing for huh?

haha.. i do, too!

haha..

anyway..

l.ngy. ang blogger.. di sinave yung last entry..

roar.. daya..

anyway..

yun..

siguro kaya nga nag.eexist ang 'wala lang' ay dahil sa mga bagay na gustong sabihin, pero hindi masabi.. sa hindi maintindihang rason..

nahiya ba? nabangag? nakalimutan? natorpe?

ewan.. basta ganun.. hindi masabi.

haha.. kaya ko nga laging nagagamit yun eh. n_n

dude.. onga.. asar ang blogger. (but still, ginagamit ko sha. haha)

uhm.. ok lang.. kahit gawin mong 'blog' ang part nito na para sa comments.. ok lang..

feel free. n_n

yun..

haha.. nakalimutan ko na yung mga sinabi ko.. sa last entry..

hmm..

anyway.. tsokolateng langit.

masaya yun! haha.. ang mga paborito kong bagay sa mundo..

chocolates.. and the sky..

killer.. please.. someone.. just kill me.. please..

haha.. please!?

hmm.. perio na naman..

good luck sa lahat! n_n

wasting my time wasting my time..

-+rei.120504.

zero.

2004-12-05T09:39:00.000+08:00

regrets..

marami ako nun.

tsk..

mga bagay na di ko na sana ginawa.. mga bagay na di ko na sana sinabi.. mga lugar na di ko na sana pinuntahan.. mga oras na di ko na sana sinayang..

and all these..

are killing me..

silently..

haha..

kala ko ok lang.. na kaya ko..

pero..

hahaha..

tama naman ako eh.. in a way..

haha..

kasi kaya ko.. n_n

pero hindi ok..

haha..

but dont get me wrong..

i dont regret everything..

may mga bagay na kahit gano kagulo, kahit gano kasakit.. ay d ko nirregret.

masaya pa rin ako.. :D

rarr.. blogger.. di na naman nasave yung isang entry..

ang daya talaga.. arrrr...

tsk..

aww.. dar!!

sayang yung concert.. tsk.. next time na lang..

wanna fly away where the sun and the rain..

come in over my face,

wash away all the shame..

silently screaming

-+rei.120504.

amy lee: 'velvet revolver's music isn't that great' -c

2004-12-04T17:54:00.000+08:00

ooh.. haha.. look at that..
haha.. hangin..

haha.. lol.
i know someone's head is going to explode when he reads this.. kahit title lang. (kung mababasa to ni jericho, matatamaan sha.) n_n

anyway.. i have my comments..

wakwen!

i used to love evanescence.. yeah.. it's rock with the twist of pop.. errrrr..

i mean.. with an angry heart and mind.. all broken and torn.. how can you not like the band? or at least, their songs.. lyrics.. and music? (unless 100% anti-pop ka)

now im starting to think that amy lee is a hoax.

sayang.. the band with ben moody was good.. his skills in playing the guitar.. man..

hmm.. its starting to make me wonder about how thier new album would sound like.. better, or not?

magiging hard rock kaya, or mas poppish?

haha.. though may maganda rin sa interview na yan..

'we had a meeting and we all agreed they should be a part of it — not just session players'

i always thought that those people at the back did nothing at all..

haha.. na tumutugtog lang sila - nothing more, nothing less.

pero mahangin talaga..

rarr.. amy lee..

onga.. walang kwenta ang lahat ng celebrities.

i could be wrong.. pero yun na talaga ang tingin ko sa kanila..

sobrang konti lang yata ng mga celebrities na ok sa paningin ko.. pero.. wala na.

most of them.. are fake people.. and di dahil sikat ka or what ay dapat ka nang tingalain.

fame isnt the symbol of greatness.

almost all of the greatest people on earth arent famous at all.

is your mom famous?

my mom isnt.. but shes great.

nakaka.disappoint..

hahahaha..

nakakatawa.

rarr..

amy lee..

velvet revolver.. their music is good. (though mukha nga silang mga adik.. hmm.. not so important.)

and at some point.. i do agree with most people that VR's music is way better than evanescence's.

besides.. isa lang ang laman ng evanescence music.. (yung released) a broken person crying..

though ang gusto ko lang sa vr ay yung tunog nila mismo.. not much of the lyrics.. haha..

haha.. jericho.. haha.. oo na.. magaling si slash.

magaling nga ang velvet.. at magaling rin ang guns n roses.

haha.. ngayon ko lang narealize.. kid pa ko nakikinig na ako sa kanila..

putek.. and i used to sing 'sweet child of mine' with my dad.. pero d ko na sha mashadong maalala ngayon.. tsk..

haha.. at least marerecall ko rin yan.. we're going to play it.. right?

haha..

yeah.

ang hangin talaga..

roar.

feeling superior..

roar.

sabi sakin nung priest..

kung wala raw masabing maganda, manahimik.

hmm.. amy lee should. (kung papakinggan niya ang pari)

and so goes out to all who criticize others.. (so that goes out to everybody?)

haha.. so maybe i should.

*zip lips

but then again.. sinu.sino pa ang magsasalita?

tsk.. the world be be so damn quiet..

haha..

joke lang.

-+reish.120404.

poste

2004-12-02T23:26:00.000+08:00

haha..
walang pasok.

YESSS!! makakapagcram na rin..
*sigh of relief*
NOOO!! rarr.. go.. to.. school..
*rarrr..*

haha..

..pano kung di ka magaling mag.advice? ni hindi mo nga magawang ayusin yung iniisip mo.. pero ok lang.. hirap ka naman talagang mag.ayos ng sarili mong problema.. kaya mas mabuti pang subukang tulungan na lang ang iba.. so anong advice mo?

..advice ko? hmm.. nde ko talaga alam..

pero siguro dapat ko rin isipin..

kung ano ba talaga yung mas magiging ok para sa iba.. sa kanya.. at nde sakin..

na hindi naman importante kung ano yung gusto kong mangyari.. dahil 'gusto' ko lang naman yun.. at hindi lahat ng nagugustuhan ng tao sa mundo ay tama, o kaya naman ay may magagawa talagang mabuti..

pero.. minamahal ko sya.. di biro.. tl ako sa kanya.. alam kong nababaduyan ka na sa mga sinasabi ko..

pero sana naman ay maintindihan mo..

temporary happiness..

it's scary.. the fact that you'll never really know what's beyond all these..

onga..

d naman talaga importante kung ano yung mangyayari sa side ko..

pero..

oo, importante ring isipin yung bagay na yun.. na makapagdecide na rin.. at shempre importante yung matters involved..

importante ka.

masaya na..

ok na sana eh..

wala talaga..

namamanhid na ko..

di ko na maisip

wala na yata akong pake kung tama to o hindi..

ayoko lang mawala ka..

pero dahil gusto ko ring nasa tama ka.. or tayo..

we'll have to let go..

i don't want to travel alone anymore.. where will i get my strength? knowing you're makes everything ok.. no pain can kill me, no problem can pull me down..

ako'y isang malungkot na bata.. palakad-lakad lang, wala rin namang mapupuntahan..

at madalas na madulas, at na parang ayoko na..

buti na lang nanjan ka.. buti na lang nanjan ka, sinta..

pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta?

pano na lang ako kung wala ka..

pano na lang ako.. pano na lang ako..

ako'y isang malungkot na bata..

pano kung ligaya ko'y bigla na lang mawala?

rarr..

pero actually, nde na importante kung 'pano na ko pag wala ka'..

doesnt matter if i rot and die.

ok lang ako..

basta maging ok ka.

ok ka lang ba?

actually.. nde dapat ganyan yung tanong..

musta ka? ano na ang gagawin mo?

sabi mo.. 'wala na..'

dude.. cge na..

find someone else.

find some guy who'll bring you good..

wag na lang ako..

T_T ok lang ako

ewan..

d ko na maisip eh..

manhid. ako.

tutal..

di ba December na?

magtatapos na ang year..

most probably,

d na tayo magkakasama the same way na nagkakasama tayo ngayon..

next school year..

pano na lang ako kung wala ka..

pano na lang ako..

putek.. yung mind radio ko.. naka.on.. at patuloy na tinutugtog ang sinta..

anyway..

naalala ko lang..

'together we are invincible.. believe in me.. in us.'

i do believe.

sorry..

ang labo ko..

pinapalabo ko ang lahat.

hindi nyo ko maintindihan, no?

ako.. di ko na rin maintindihan ang sarili ko..

ano nga bang gagawin ko?

well.. alam ko na yung dapat kong gawin..

pero hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang gagawin ko..

ano na? pano na?

ikaw..

kung may naisip ka na..

kung may plano ka na kung anong gagawin mo.. sabihin mo sa kin ha?

i will follow your lead..

pero kahit anong mangyari,

friends tayo ha? n_n

walang iwanan..

anyway..

rarr..

putek kJ.. inggit ako sa yo..

may bago ka ng guitar..

ano ulit? gusto mo dark green?

sige.. dark green bibilhin ko..

i am good..

kahit d ko yun sinasadya..

i will buy a new one for her..

kasi nararamdaman ko yung feeling..

kung sa gitara ko nangyari yun..

walang kwenta (well, halos) kung babayaran lang..

d naman pera yung kapalit.. gitara mismo..

kaya magtiwala ka..

rarr..

ewan..

kasi di naman ako bibili kung meron pa kong gitara..

mabubulok lang sa isang tabi ang gitara ko kung bibili ako ng bago..

or..

bibili na rin ako ng new set of strings.

yun lang naman kailangan ko.. bano na strings ko..

pero mahal na mahal ko ang gitarang to.. ang una kong gitara..

ag gitarang kasama ko matulog..

ang gitarang ginagamit ko sa pagwawala.. haha.. kaya nga naputol yung isang string dati.. dahil asar na asar ako.. pag strum ko ng guitar (haha.. feel kong electric sha eh.. kahit hindi.) haha.. naputol.. pero nagitara pa rin ako.. with 5 strings! o di ba! haha.. pwede naman ah.. base nga 4 lang.. pero.. onga pala.. acoustic lang sha. haha..

ang gitarang nagamit ng halos lahat ng naging crush ko.. at naaalala kong tuwang.tuwa ako nung mga panahong ginagamit nila yun..

pero onga no.. d pa nagagamit ni dude to..

pero nde ko naman crush yun eh.

nde ko lang naman crush yun eh..

oo, tapos bagong case.. yung may strap na pwedeng isabit sa may shoulders or something..

haha..

tama.

magulo. malabo. bangag.

-+reish.120204.

dihnam<-

2004-12-01T15:31:00.000+08:00

hug niyo naman ako.

please? haha..

i feel like a total bum

namamanhid na lang ako

d ko na alam ang mga dapat gawin

i feel like drowning

and the same time, dying, suffocating, losing, fading away..

ewan.

sa sobrang gulo,

di ko na lang pinapansin.

at nagpapakamanhid ako sa sakit, sa mga ka.ewanan ng mundong tinatawag kong akin.

pero

ewan.

naklimutan ko na yung sasabihin ko.

haha.

joke lang.

ang dami nga palang typo dito..

mga kulang na letra, o kaya naman sobra, o kaya naman nagkabaliktad ng pwesto..

basta, typo..

yun na.

haha..

ang gulo ko talag.

ang labo..

ayoko na..

that's what i always tell myself.

pero sa totoo,

i'll never give up.

ako si rei, remember?

haha..

but still..

yun ang lagi kong sinasabi.. "AYOKO NA."

but here i am.. doing the crazy things that i do just to feel that im alive..

but sooner or later, i'll die..

then go to hell..

though i don't want to go there..

pero naffeel kong dun ako..

haha..

because i am evil..

but right now,

sa sobrang kamandiran..

it seems like i really just don't care at all.

ayoko na..

but i'm still here.

ok lang..

malabo. magulo.

tutal manhid naman na ako. wala na kong mararamdaman pa. wala na.

pilit. sobra.

i just want to scream.

collapse then feel not a single drop of pain.

but that seems like impossible. unattainable.

but who the heck cares?

i don't think i do.

masakit.

magulo.

at dahil nasosobrahan na yata ako, manhid na.

haha..

siguro nga exaggerated yun.. pero.. ewan.

carefree lang siguro ako kahit kelan.

at bangag.

kahit ano man ang mangyari..

...

....

.....

....

...

chocoholic pa rin ako.

i'll still punch the walls and paint them with my gore.

i'll color everything red and black till all this pain is camouflaged.. (pede yun?)

they'd be invisible.. and this dimension of the fallen will be invincible..

and i'll always be jailed by pain and darkness, but i wouldn't care..

drown me, go on.. i'll die.. but nothing would matter..

all these..

they have made me numb.

no more tears (shaks parang baby shampoo)

no more lies

..hallucination stops here.

and the music starts to play again..

choking me with every line..

every single sound..

evey note, every strand of love..

is there anybody who can save me?

rarrr..

ps: hug ko??

rarrr..

-+rei.113004.

poor kid tsk tsk

2004-11-30T14:44:00.000+08:00

haha..

i feel like a total loser.

haha..

scream at me, you're so far away..
i wont be broken again,
i've got to breathe,
i cant keep going under..

need.. change.. need.. discipline..

and i am wasting my time.

again.

haha.

wasting my time saying that im wasting my time wasting my time..

haha..

what a waste..

throw me out the window..

di ako marunong magprioritize..

or siguro di lang talaga ao sumusunod ng maayos sa schedule ko..

waw..

may schedule pala ako..

haha..

*seryoso, gumagawa ako ng sked.. di lang laging nasusunod. :-P

haha..

hahahaha..

nakakabangag ang ganito..

ako ang dakilang crammer.

woohoo..

but according to someone..

'ok lang yan.. magaling ka naman magcram eh.. at least nahahabol mo yung deadline..'

shucks..

talentado pala ako sa pagkacram..

i should be thankful for this talent.

haha..

onga no.. waw.. pwede na kayang pagkakitaan to?

haha..

cge.. til here..

*gotta cram.*

ako'y isang bangag, sa puso't diwa..

-+reish.112904.

ang awit ng langgam. 3

2004-11-30T14:14:00.000+08:00

eto na.

*potek pangatlo na to.. rarrr.. blogger.. haha..*

ang awit ng langgam version3.

wala lang..

masaya kasing kumanta.. maganda man o hindi ang boses mo.. di ba? naglalabas ng negative (or kahit positive) energy.. tapos nasasabi mo indirectly ang mga gusto mong sabihin through the lyrics.. though hindi yun lagi ang kaso..

at nasa tono at bilis naman ang emotions.

at ang langgam.. pag kumakanta.. naririnig nyo ba?

haha.. hahahahaha..

nakakabangag..

anyway.. hindi yun ang laman ng previous versions ng 'ang awit ng langgam'.

hindi ko nga lang maintindihan kung bakit gumawa pa ko ng version3, eh parang hindi naman gusto ng blogger na ipost.. haha..

anyway..

eto.

naisip ko lang..

i wouldnt change in just a glimpse.

feelings cant disappear that fast.

and i feel

that nothing has really changed.

its just a matter of shutting up and keeping all those things inside. keep quiet.. but it's still there.

and that's the case on my side.

haha..

i dont know what i want..

pero naisip ko rin..

i will always be here for her.. no matter what happens.

it wouldnt matter that much if things would still be the same or not,

or if she'll be there dor me, too.. or not..

ok lang.

what matters to me is that i'll always be here for her.. and never leave her side.

hindi naman kasi 'sana nandito ka.' kundi 'nanjan lang ako..'

and its not 'please love me' but 'i love you'..

di ba?

haha.. natatawa ako..

ang mushy..

pero ok lang..

wala akong maisip na ibang terms.. haha..

so many things left unsaid..

tsk.. masyado akong tahimik.. kung kelan dapat magsalita..

pero pano ka magsasalita kung di mo alam kung saan magsisimula.? at pag nakapagsimula ka na, alam mo ba kung ano ang susunod na sasabihin mo?

tsk..

haha..

bottled up inside..

tsk..

tatawa ulit ako.. hahahahaha..

but one good part is that we're friends.. good friends. :D

eto na ang kantahan blues ng langgam.

*di ko maalala lahat ng mga nilagay kong songs last time..*

mukha na kong tanga.. pero okey lang.. ito'y isang pagkakamali, ngunit di ko nais pang itama..

do you know that everytime you're near,
everybody else seems far away..
so can you come and make them disappear?

and i dont want the world to see me,
cause i dont think that they'd understand..
when everything's made to be broken..

shall we go out later?
some time for strangers..

ako'y isang malungkot na bata,
palakad.lakad lang,
wala rin namang mapupuntahan..

hope
it dangles on a string..

all the things she said, all the things she said..
running through my head..

and im all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
they say its my fault,
but i want her so much..

when they stop and stare, dont worry me..
coz im feeling for her what she's feeling for me
i can try to pretend, i can try to forget
but it's driving me mad, going out of my head..

mother looking at me, tell me, what do you see?
yes, i've lost my mind..
daddy looking at me, will i ever be free?
have i crossed the line?

i am human and i need to be loved,
just like everybody else does..

when you are with me,
im free.. im careless, i believe.
above all the others we'll fly..
this brings tears to my eyes, my sacrifice..

bitbit ko ang gitara,
at handang mangharana..

you mesmerize me with diamond eyes,
i try to fool myself to think i'll be alright..
but i am losing all control,
my mind, my heart, my body and my soul..
never in my life have i been so sure..

nobdy's made me feel this ay before..
you're everything i wanted, and more..

adik sa yo.. awit sa akin,
nilang sawa na sa king mga kwentong marathon,
tungkol sa yo at a ligayang iyong hatid
sa a king buhay
tuloy ang bida sa isipan ko'y ikaw..
sa umaga't sa gabi sa bawat minutong lumilipas,
hinahanap-hanap kita.. hinahanap-hanap kita..
sa isip at panaginip, bawat pagpihit ng tadhaa..
hinahanap-hanap kita..

sa school, sa flag ceremony,
hanggang uwian araw-araw..
hinahanap-hanap kita..

i cannot find a way t describe it,
it's there inside, all i do is hide
i wish that it would just go away

all the pain..
im calling you..
all the thoughts lead back to you
back to what was never said,
back and forth inside my head..
i cant handle this confusion, im unable
come and take me away..
my words are cold,
i dont want them to hurt you..

what i dont understand is why im feeling so bad now
when i know it was my idea..
i could have just denied the truth and lied..
now why am i the only one standing stranded on the same ground?

sa panaginip na lang pala kita maisasayaw..
magkahawak ang ating kamay,
at walang kamalay.malay na tinuruan mo ang puso ko
na umibig ng tunay..

ivxoi

-+reish.112904.

yeah, it's blue.

2004-11-30T11:52:00.000+08:00

oonga.. blue..

shaks.. parang ang lonely na hindi yung kulay..

haha.. wala lang.. napag.experementuhan ang blog.. boring na yung usual eh..

and now.. it still sucks.

haha..

nde naman mashado..

*anger at self*

i should be doing some stuff now.. stuff to cram.. haha.. *i'll always be a cammer* but here i am.. doing what im doing.. *line sounds familiar..*

panira ako sa sarili kong sked.

haha..

discipline..

lost.

haha..

mwahahahha..

oh well..

better get going.

oh yeah..

i remembered something..

sht.. how come blogger didnt save my last two entries? what the hell man..

'ang awit ng langgam'.. nakadalawang version na ko nun..

title lang ang nasave sa haba ng version1.

tapos wala ni isang dot ang nasave sa version2.

gagawa ako ng version3..

dahil nakakafrustrate.. sayang yung oras at energy *haha..* sa pagttype..

haha..

may pasok na bukas.

hug niyo ko.

haha.. please? n_n

save me...

-+rei.112904.

ang awit ng langgam

2004-11-28T06:14:00.000+08:00

isang poste

2004-11-26T17:56:00.000+08:00

sinta.sugarfree

ako'y isang malungkot na bata, palakad.lakad lang, wala rin namang mapupuntahan at madalas na madulas, at na parang ayoko na.. buti na lang nandyan ka, buti na lang nandyan ka, sinta.. pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta? pano na lang ako kung wala ka, pano na lang ako.. minsan ako'y naligaw ng daan, tinalikuran ng kaibigan at biglang napag.iwanan at madalas na ako'y nadulas, at nung parang ayoko na.. buti na lang nandyan ka, buti na lang nandyan ka, sinta.. pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta? pano na lang ako kung wala ka.. pano na lang ako.. pano na lang ako? ako'y isang malungkot na bata, pano kung ligaya ko'y bigla na lang mawala? at ang sabi mo'y, 'malayo pa ang bukas, at tapos na ang kahapon..' ang mahala'y ngayon nandito ka ngayon, o sinta.. pano na lang ako kung wala ka, sinta? pano na lang ako kung wala ka, pano na lang ako.. pano na lang ako?

..haha.. i just can't get over this song.. haha.. aliw yung lyrics eh..

at ako nga'y isang malungkot na bata.

pero masaya pa rin ako.

haha..

(ang pag.ibig..) ganyan talaga.. (ako'y nilamon na ng pag.ibig..) ganyan talaga.. masaya.

wEeEeEe.. ang saya... sarap maggitara.. haha.. nakakamiss..

yeah! we're going to play! haha.. it's nothing big, but i am 100% excited about it.. kahit na ba di pa sigurado yung line.up ng songs, which ones im going to play, pano yung guitar, pano yung practice (sabi sa kin sa studio daw kami..) and all those stuff.. haha.. nakakatawa.. information crisis! haha..

masyadong uninformative ang blog na to.. (or not..) kapos ako sa info.. haha.. (magdonate kayo.. haha..)

anyway.. sa sobrang excitement siguro, i spent the whole day playing my guitar.. nagpaka.adik.. haha.. d ko na nga nagawa yung geom project ko.. due sha next friday.. kaya mejo ok lang..

at sigurado ako.. for my project.. gagawa ako ng book.

kailangan kasi na iapply ang geom sa kaht anong napag.iinteresan mo..

so..

pupunuin ko yun ng designs ko.. (haha.. as a kid, i always wanted to be an interior, or fashion designer.. haha.. or cartoonist.. or something..) then some poems.. writings.. then gagawa ako ng song.. basta.. hanggang sa chords lalagyan ko ng geom.. geometry everywhere! haha!! weEeEe!!

ang saya nung group quiz last wednesday.. haha.. power house ang group namin! (oh well, para sa kin.. haha..) pero.. haha.. mali pala.. kahit mga geompions ang nandun.. haha. panalo yung kabilang team.. wahahaha.. nakaka.hyper.. seryoso.. cheer pa rin ako ng cheer sa team kahit nauunahan kami nung kabila.. haha.. lahat kami namental block.. haha.. ako kaya siguro bigla na lang akong namental block sa ibang questions, ay dahil sa sobrang pagka.hyper.. haha.. ang labo.. haha.. pero ok lang... haha..

shucks. nakalimutan kasing ilowest terms!!! wahahahaha.. tama na eh.. tsk.. (ang basa jan, ti.es.key.. haha..) carelessness.. (sorry po..!:D 1point din yun..)

tapos yung isa naman.. tama na ang answers.. chineck pa.. so.. haha.. naunahan kami.. haha.. nakakatawa.. haha..

geom.

maam yuhico.. butterflies.. haha.. wala lang.. naalala ko lang..

pero kahit magaling ang aming titcher, at masaya ang jom.. nde ko alam kung bakit madalas akong antukin sa class.. sa klaseng malaki ang interes ko.. haha.. pero bakit sa pisiks di naman ako niaantok? haha.. tamang magcompare.. pero ako naman yung kinocompare sa ako eh.. haha.. so.. okey lang.

waw.. long test bukas.. onga pala! haha.. actually, nde.. today na! haha.. umaga na nga pala..

long test sa physics.

yeah.

YEAH!! haha..

teka.. may strike pa ba? potek.. tumigil na kayo..

wahahaha.. binabawasan nyo ang number of school days! ano ba?!

kung may problema kayo.. mag.usap.usap kayo't wag mandamay ng iba.. wala namang ganyanan..

haha.. sori.. mahal ko kasi ang pisay.. haha.. at gusto kong pumasok.. magpakabangag, makakita ng multo, mag.aral, matuto, tumawa, magcaf, maggazebo, magstroll, mag.ice fight (yeah!! kahit mukha kaming mga tanga), magcram, et al. (ui.. english naman..)

teka.. mali..

'sorry' pala.. nde sori.. yun kasi ay large clusters.. na grupo ng sporangia.. haha.. bio.. sir espinas! haha..

mukha shang cartoon.. haha.. tulad ng maraming teachers.. actually, d lang teachers.. lahat halos ng tao sa mundo kung titingnan mo mukhang cartoon.. (kailangan lang ng imagination at hilig sa cartoons..) yung iba nga, sige, ibahin natin.. mukhang mga anime! haha..

sorry po ulit.. *patawarin ang batang bangag..*

hmm.. 26nov na..

happy birthday pito! :D

onga.. 26nov na.. ang bilis.. alalang.alala ko pa nga ang elem eh.. tapos ngayon.. magtatapos na naman ang isang taon..

tsk.. ang bilis talaga..

bakit mabilis ang oras? ang panahon?

shucks.. yoko na munang magsenti.. haha.. magccram pa ko.. haha..

but i need a hug.. go on! hug me! iclick nyo lang yung 'give reish more hugs' part sa side.. yung may picture na kyoot na iba't ibang drawings na parang kid ang nagdraw.. haha.. yung picture na yun.. nde link yun.. iclick nyo yung mismong text..

haha..

*hug*

wait.. who am i hugging!?

haha.. potek.. hug na lang nang hug sa hangin.. parang baliw..

haha..

eto na.. eto na..

i am confused.. so confused.. feeling lost between each line that im saying.. feeling lost between each word.. between each letter.. between each segment.. each point.. haha.. potek.. you get the picture.

when caught in between what you want and what you need, obviously you'll have to choose what you need.. for it will keep you safe, and on the right track.

but then.. the forces of my 'want'.. is too great.. almost too much to handle.

pero kung sincere ako.. i'd choose what's right..

i want to choose the one that i need.. the one that we need.. but.. i just can't convince myself.

alam nyo yun..

yung tipong madali lang talunin ang 1. (okay, let's put some veryabols.. err.. variables.. haha.. insults..sorry)

DECLARE

1,2 as forces

3 as descision

END-DECLARE

1=want

2=need

3=right

sige.. hanggang jan na lang ang comp sci.. haha..

madaling talunin ang 1. para lang shang scratch paper sa algeb na pag humangin, liliparin at mawawala.. hangin lang. ganun lang kagaan ang papel.. at ang 2, parang isang sci cal. hindi kayang liparin ng simpleng hangin. pero dahil hinahawakan ng bata ang papel, hindi liliparin at mawawala yun, shempre. ang 3 naman, malakas din. para chem book. pero, dahil dalawa lang ang kamay ng bata, at hawak na niya ang 1 sa isang kamay, at 2 sa kabila, hindi nagagamit ang 3. at dahil masasabing mas kailangan ang chem book at sci cal sa chem class kaysa sa scratch paper sa algeb, kailangan munang bitawan ng bata ang 1, kahit na ba remembrance nya yun para sa meeting nila sa algeb. pero dahil mahal nya ang mga remembrance, di nya mabitawan ang 1. nagpapaka.ewan sha sa paghawak ng 1 at paglimot sa 3. pero wala shang pake.. pero kung disidido shang matuto sa chem, babalikan na lang niya ang scratch paper.. at ngayon nalilito sha. 'pwede ka namang matuto ng walang book ah..'

pero malabo ang ginawa kong kwento.

at malayo sa pagiging scratch paper ang 1, ang chem book sa 3, at ang sci cal sa 2..

pero di na mahalaga ang veryabols na ginamit ko..

haha..

ang finish line lang nun ay, nacoconfuse ako. di ko magawang kumbinsihin ang sarili ko.. kaya ko, pero ayoko.

(as andy would say..) stups talaga..

haha..

pero okey lang..

mukha na kong tanga, pero okey lang.. isang pagkakamaling di ko na ninanais na itama..

kelan ko kaya matatapos ang song na yun.. (together with the chords..) ewan.

haha..

oh joy! haha.. ang evil ko sa teachers..

sorry teachers..

sorry..

it's a good thing di nila alam ang blog na to..

pero sorry.. pa rin.. all these evil thoughts.. mwahaha.. they came from me, and no one else but me, for it is i, mojo jojo, who is the evil one.. i am bad, i am evil, i am mojo jojo! mwahahahaha..

ako nga rin pala ay kalahi ni zim.. tulad ng evilangels07.. haha.. mga invaders..

waw.. ang sama ko talaga..

tsk..

anyway..

kanina may nabanggit akong 'ice fight'..

ano ang ice fight? ice fight? ano yun? ah.. ice fight.. wala lang. wala lang ang ice fight? talaga? yun ba yon? oo, wala lang ang ice fight.. ah.. so kung sasabihin kong wla lang, ay dapat ice fight na lang ang sasabihin ko.. ganon ba? hindi.. eh ano? oo nga, ano ba ang ice fight? ang gulo mo naman eh.. talaga? magulo ako? sorry ha.. oo na, ok lang.. so ano nga ang ice fight? laban ng yelo? haha.. o, natawa ka naman.. di jowk yun.. oo nga, ang ice fight ay ang tapunan ng yelo.. ng mga mukhang tanga.. sa kahit saan.. haha.. talaga? oo, talaga.. pano mo nalaman? sabi ni krishna eh.. ows? talaga? sabi yun ni krishna? oo, sabi yun ni krishna.. ah.. ok.. sabi pala ni krishna eh.. kala ko naman kung saan mo napulot yun.. oo nga, basta sabi ni krishna.. ok na yun.. yun pala ang ice fight.. oo nga, yun pala ang ice fight.. oo, yun ang ice fight. ah.. teka.. sino si krishna? oo nga no, sino si krishna? ah.. si krishna.. uh.. oo nga no.. sino si krishna..?

di ko rin alam eh..

*all scratch their heads..*

haha..

andy.. style mo.. pinalawak ko.. weEeEe.. :D

ako'y isang bangag, sa puso't diwa.. bangag, na isinilang, na otting bata.

ang nerdok ng blog entry na to. haha.. at ang evil pa.. ewan. basta. bangag forever.

i am a kid,

-+reish.112604.

WANTED: electric guitar

2004-11-24T16:52:00.000+08:00

yeah, an electric guitar is needed badly.

(haha.. at least I need it badly)

for inquires, just post a comment on this post.

all electric guitars - any color, shape, brand or size - are welcome.

the guitar/ guitars will be needed by this coming friday, 26 November 2004. Then, if you are not willing to lend it to me over the weekend, i'll be borrowing it again by next friday, 03 December 2004.

i am only asking for someone who will be lending his/her guitar to me, i'm not asking anybody to give me one. (unless you want to ;P)

thank you.

haha..

waw..

advertisment.

haha..

as if naman..

haha..

aww.. haha.. may sked na rin yung guitars ng friends ko.. tsk.. and the others that i know who own electric guitars.. are band members.. they are probably going to use their guitars.

haha..

tsk..

haha..

it's not such a big deal anyway.

magpperform lang kami next friday.. sa music.. parang 'mini concert'.

at mas masayang makasama sa number na lahat kayo, on electric guitars.. may lead, may bass.. parang banda.. kulang na lang drums.

onga no! ads ulit!

WANTED: drums.

haha.. pero mahirap na yun.. haha..

pacaba! ako na lang sa bass! sabi mo kahapon ako sa bass.. pero si daryl na yata ang may bass guitar.. or something.. haha.. tsk.. kahapon nyo lang ako sinabihang mag.eelectric.. tsk. haha.. guys sa rock line.up ako.. haha.. im sure that not even you would want to play pop music more than rock.

haha.. but somehow my acoustic one would do.

haay.. eto na naman ako..

parang baliw.. haha..

they won't read this! they don't even know that this blog exists. haha..

wala lang..

imaginary..

woohoo..

you can't win in everything but you can try.

-+reish.112404.

wad ilam

2004-11-22T12:40:00.000+08:00

Anima Cristi.. alam nyo yun? haha.. wala lang..

ang paborito kong Church song..

hindi ko na ipopost yung lyrics..

wala lang.

masaya maging weird.. maging iba.. out of the ordinary.

para sa kin, lagi yun.

pero kanina, naging iba.

minsan lang pala.

mahirap pag mali.lalo na pag alam mong mali.

at ang tanging nagpapasaya sayo ay kailangan mong pakawalan.

dahil ikaw, o kayo, ay mali.

at kailangan mong itama ang sarili mo, dahil mas importante ang 'eternal happiness' kaysa sa 'temporary happiness'.

natutunan ko na.

malaki at malupit ang demands ng Christianity.

ang pinaka.pinanghahawakan mo, ang dapat mong pakawalan.

at isa pa tong naalala ko.. walang kwenta ang isang bagay na hindi pinaghirapan, kahit konti.

it's hard.. leaving you the way when i never wanted to..
self.denial is a game, it's strange
i never would have wanted til there was you
coz i have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine
the more it clears, the more i have to let you go

sacrifices..

huwaw.. bigat, pare..

anyway..

haha..

tawa na lang..

tawa..

haha..

ahahahahaha..

ako'y nagpapakabangag..

tinatago ang kalungkutan.. ang lahat ng bumabagabag sa kin..

haha..

at kaysa sa pagpanic dahil marami pa kong di nagagawa na dapat gawin na,

ay nandito ako.. parang baliw na nakatanga.

sa tabi.tabi..

sa kanto ng kawalan..

sa lugar ng mga bangag at lito..

sa sarili kong 'utopia'.. ang masayang lugar na walang inaalala..

ignoring time and space..

actually, time lang.

haha..

when i die,

i wanna die fast.

haha.. walang koneksyon.naisip ko lang.

ako'y isang bangag, sa puso't diwa..

weehee..

mahal ko si 0301191925.

pero..

mali.

nalilito na ko..

naliligaw..

natatanga..

haha..

what'll happen next?

will i rot like a cabbage and die?

mahirap..

nahihirapan ako..

pero ok lang..

masaya ako..

kasi nanjan sha..

pero malungkot..

dahil..

yun.

haha..

ako nga'y isang bangag.

haha.

tawa na lang ulit.

haha..

hahaha..

hahahaha..

ako si krishna.

pero di na importante yun.

-+reish.112104.

o_O

2004-11-21T05:29:00.000+08:00

sort things out.

will that help?

i'm just a kid.. but life isn't a nightmare.. because she's there.. but in a way, i feel that i am alone in this world.. maybe life is fair.. and i am not.
i do lock myself in a room, with the radio on turned up so loud you can't hear yourself think.. coz i don't want anybody to hear me scream.. to see how weak i am.. i feel lost. i feel left out in the dark. i am on the edge of breaking down, is there anyone who can save me? do you know what this is like? you wouldn't like my life..
yeah, i can ever be perfect.. perfection does not exist in the world that i see.. i'm losing it all.. nothing lasts forever.
i am addicted to her.. and i want it, i need her.. i'm addicted to her..
i'd do anything just to hold her in my arms.. 0301191925. i'll hold on to you.. and i do believe.

t.ng.n.n.m.n.. ako si mojo jojo. i am bad.. i am evil. i am selfish. i am wrong. but i am not a suicidal freak.. i am not a coward. haha..

how many stupid times have i used the word 'I'? see how selfish i am? how much i think of myself.. what I want, what I need, what I think.. selfish. selfish. selfish.

okay.. that helped..

PROBLEM#1:: i am selfish. i usually close my doors to some things that just don't work out for me. maybe the world is trying to befriend me, but i just don't want to try out novelty for myself. masyado akong nasstuck sa nakasanayan ko.. i'll never survive this way. i need to be a more open.minded person.. put myself in other people's shoes.. maybe i am the problem.. and i am trying to blame others for it.. though i know that I am wrong.

PROBLEM#2:: i am not so patient. that's why i jump to conclusions without seeing everything.. i need to set my own views aside sometimes..

PROBLEM#3:: di ako magaling magprioritize, and i break my own schedule.. and ruin everything for myself.. then krishna just goes blaming a part of the world for it.. tsk tsk.. iresponsableng bata.

PROBLEM#4:: may migrane yata ako.

PROBLEM#5:: i lack self.discipline and respect. i need to train myself more. kailangan kong icontrol ang sarili ko from being "the world's greatest vandalizer" (as andy would call me..) all over again. i wrote on 3 tables last friday.. nung algeb, geom at bio. haay.. i thought i got over that.. ilang buwan ko na ring nirerespeto ang mga pasilidad at kagamitan sa pisay..

PROBLEM#6:: bangag ako. i refuse to search deep.. perhaps i am a coward (but still not suicidal) perhaps i'm simply afraid to find something that i'm quite not ready to discover.. na ayokong ma.contrdict ang mga bagay na nasa ayos na para sa kin.. haha.. malabo ba? di naman kailangang maintindihan to eh.

PROBLEM#7:: i don't know. (wahahahaha..)

dude..

nung sinabi ko sa yo na 'hindi ko alam kung ano yung problem ko'.. hindi ko talaga alam.. di ko alam specifically what was that thing that was pulling me down.. sasabihin ko naman kung alam ko eh.. i wouldn't want you to worry about what was up with me.. or in that case, down.. (haha..) nakita ko yun sa reaction ng mukha mo.. waw.. sorry talaga dude.. sorry. sorry. sorry. di mo naman ako kailangang isipin eh.. don't worry about me.. ganito lang talaga siguro ako.. bangag. magulo. malabo.

thank you na rin..

i love you.

my hopes, plans and dreams.. slowly being shattered.. or siguro masyado lang na na.sslow down..

my love of music.. my beloved guitar.. potek.. ayoko ng isipin kung gaano ako kabano sa pag.gigitara ngayon.. matagal ko na shang nilalaro.laro lang.. last na tumugtog talaga ako.. (with people watching and all..) was last.. err.. ewan.. first quarter pa yun..

tapos.. gusto kong maging mas active. ako ay nabbore sa mga ginagawa ko.. wala naman yata akong ginagawa eh. haha.. i don't want to stay in a corner to rot and die. i can do better.

marami na kong tinalikuran. bangag ako. my writings.. the archive of the art that i see.. marami sila.. and i left myself.

potek..

bangag nga ako.

not to mention stupid.

need to put myself back together.

and these are some of my weaknesses.. some things that i wouldn't want the world to see.. but why hide reality?

kailangan ko ng outlet..

i belive in you.. i'd give up everything just to find you. i have to be with you to live, to breathe.. you're taking over me.

0301191925.. i love you. you keep me going.. haha.. i'd hate second year kung wala ka.. you make everything worth the pressure.. the pain..

i can't find the words to say.. nabblanko na yata ako..

haha.. pinapagalitan na ko.. umalis na daw ako sa harap ng comp.

aww.. poor me.. i pretty much didn't sort things out well.. haha..

i'm going numb.

i'm just a kid.. but life isn't a nightmare.

-+reish.112004.

dreaming insomniac

kulay rosas

isang gabi sa commonwealth avenue

plawerr

YEY sawakas.

hey, merry christmas.

rant text

trauma

ipit ipit

jpplp

came, saw, conquered.

yahooo!

to meee

mimertney

after two years

punta tayong nevereverever land.

and roars

clucks

photon

loop

she's addicted

para sa unan

insanity

oh hail, insomnia.

shinjiru! :)

ha?

yahti

i confess.

pero ayos lang.

stay

bad day?

still sa dreamer

kahelnasulat

madeline line

hold on

totoo

webcam

skip

stare and dream

bonding with blog

purple.

never satisfied

*

babay na.

paalam

i can choose not to

balik

2005. here.

walang smileys dito

a.w.c.h.

burn.

bangag

mind reader ka ba?

wala akong maisip na title

rawrr!

dainojoi loves chickenjoi

isang araw

hmm...

rei ang labo mo.

mahal ko ang buhay

meowwrrr..

scream..

perio nga pala.

epekto ng smiley

WANTED: killer.

zero.

amy lee: 'velvet revolver's music isn't that great' -c

poste

dihnam<-

poor kid *tsk tsk*

ang awit ng langgam. 3

yeah, it's blue.

ang awit ng langgam

isang poste

WANTED: electric guitar

wad ilam

o_O

poor kid tsk tsk